For Bi Curious or Perhaps Lesbian in Heart Jill

Jill writes
Hello, I have been reading your blog recently and have been moved (sometimes quite literally). I am 24 years old and only been with guys. But ever since high school and a crush on a best friend, I know that I am a lesbian. It even feels odd, and exhilerating, to type that. I obviously am not out, at all. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to tell my friends or family until I know for certain. Meaning, that I only read about lesbian encounters on blogs like yours or by watching TV and movies with lesbian themes. I don't know how to meet people, yet alone another girl. I am somehere between cute and attractive (depending on my hair that day) and am curvy, but sliming down nicely due to my new obsession of cycling. I see girls all the time that are cute, sometimes I smile, but mostly I am very shy. I guess I am seeking advice and encouragement, so if you have any to offer, I would most definitely appreciate it. Thank you,

Jill,

When I get a letter like yours I always answer, if for no other reason than that I spent so many years wondering if anyone out there had any earthly idea what I was going through....and still feel that way.

Telling someone like me is one thing ...telling someone you have flesh and blood contact with is yet another. And while so many will say that those confessions will set you free, I know as much as anyone that the list of those who "wouldn't understand," is a long and powerful list of friends, family, co-workers and society in general, unfortunately. I think alot of it is where you live ...and alot of it is the company you keep. But having said all that, I did want to address something you note.

You said you "know" you are lesbian ..and that is something that I hope you embrace while you still can ...if you can. For me, I "knew" I was at least bisexual from the moment I understood what bisexual was. You mentioned your involvement with lesbian blogs, tv and movies. I was the same way but for me it happened at a very early age. At about the time all girls were batshit crazy about boys in 6th grade and gossiping about who got their period or pubic hair or kissed a boy, or for that matter, what boys and girls were supposed to do with each other in the dark, Those TV, Movie, Book, and pop culture references to all things lesbian stopped me in my tracks and caused me wonder. There was a fairly defining moment I guess came when I was reading ...for lack of a better term, a sex primer which was graphic in what sex was, as in completely informational, while not being pornographic. I think it was entitled Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask, and there was just a minimal amount in the book about lesbians and bisexual women....or at least not nearly enough for MY curiosity. I can remember though, right then and there, deciding, and a better term would be realizing, that I was at least that. The then frightening thought that I might be a lesbian crossed my mind, and was left undecided (as it turns out for another 16 or so years) ...but the thing I became sure of that day is that there was no way that I was only into boys. I used to babysit for a variety of parents in my early teens and when the parents would leave and I got the kids asleep, I always raided the bookshelves for the steamiest things I could find. (ever wonder why I was writing lesbian erotica from the first moment I got a computer ?) It should tell me something when I look back that soon I no longer felt a fear that I might be a lesbian, rather the new fear I found was that as I continued to have boyfriends and live a "normal" life, that I remember thinking "I don't want to be 40 years old before my first experience with a woman."

So, while day to day in the hallways and the movies and the dances I was always with a boy (lots of boys but thats another story), I remember now that my every INDIVIDUAL pursuit in private time was spent finding delight in lesbian references, erotica, and my own early age "gaydar" which involved imagining almost every woman of nearly every age, from my own friends to my moms friends, and every celebrity for certain, either as a lesbian or bisexual, or at least, as I was, curious. And then, let me at least briefly discuss masturbation. Again, I was masturbating at an earlier age than most ...with no apologies as I blogged about it here long ago, a makeout session with a pillow turned into alot of rubbing and eventually my first orgasm when I was in 5th grade. And at first, yes, I was thinking of boyfriends, but not long after that snap realization that I KNEW I was at least bisexual, in the throes of nearly daily orgasmic release, I almost never fantasized about boys or men. And yes ...when making out and making love with boys and men, the thoughts of women were always in mind. And a very stark memory was getting a hold of Penthouse magazine, with its cheezy "forum " stories and beautiful women. I remember the feelings many have of guilt and confusion, probably because the intensity of connection with the beautiful images I was looking at made me feel, somehow, "100% lesbian" in those masturbatory experiences, and I think at that point I was aware of how HUGE a change in my life being "100% lesbian" would be ..just wasn't ready to go there, ya know. But ..trust me...when I was coming over those airbrushed, large breasted, bleach blonde bimbos, I was as "100% lesbian" as can be....guilt or no guilt.

So I tell you all this to relate that while I had a "normal" life, secretly, I was waiting, hoping, and trying to create a lesbian sexual experience, which seemed harder than climbing Mount Everest. It didn't happen til I was 18 ...and I blogged about that first experience too. But the time from when I KNEW and from when I was in that "this is ACTUALLY HAPPENING" moment with my first, it was like eternity. Like it was everyday, and more correctly, every night in the dark, when I would wonder, "when, when WHen, WHEN !! is it going to happen." There were crushes I couldn't get past the fear of making the make or break move ..and total rejection and emotional devestation when I came out (and came on) to my best friend who I was SURE I was going to be making love with after I came out to her, and instead got the "Im not that way" response, and the end of a wonderful friendship. When the winds blow us together, even though its been 15 years, it's still awkward ...probably because she knows that I STILL wish she WAS that way then, and if she ever becomes that way, that I would wish she would become that way with her.

So Jill, you ask for advice and I am one voice of many perhaps that you should consult. But, mine would be to be prepared for rejection when and if you get the nerve to turn your bedroom fantasies into realities, and try not to let it devastate you. But as much as you need to steel yourself for a possible letdown, also know that you can also prepare yourself for something I am sure you already know is not even in the same universe as anything you have done with men. When you can find your way into her arms, your lips upon hers in that first kiss, and eventually making love, I assure you that while whatever emotions and intimate fulfillments you feel are of the moment and between you and your girl, the sexual and orgasmic realities will be earth shattering ..dare I say, life shattering ..at least for the part of your life that is your sexuality. I am sure it is different for everyone, but giving pleasure and feeling a womans reactions to my commitment to her pleasure and the tools of the trade so to speak of lips, tongue, fingers, hands, skin, passion, and MOST importantly, the intimate connection between two women making love, have been the most powerful and fantastic moments of my sexual life....and the thing I have grown to crave more of every minute, hour and day. I don't know how different I am, but lesbian sexual obsession ...amongst the day to day tasks of family, work and living , is a constant background noise of lesbian what ifs, how if's, and when again's that are like a constant, and acceptable companion.

While you inspired me to write about ME, I encourage YOU to find your path with no regrets. While I do think sometimes I wish I had known at an early age that I was lesbian, and not just bisexual as I believed, without the lateness of that realization, I would not have the life I have with my beautiful child. Life is more important than sex ..but don't kid yourself, sex is what we all desire constantly, and since you say you know there is a virgin lesbian inside you, I hope you find what works for you and devote some energy and as much vulnerability as you are comfortable with to find the intimate, emotional, and indeed, lesbian sexual high points of your life.

Finally, you mentioned that I was taking time to write you, a "stranger." Honey, while I write what I write on my blog because I can't imagine NOT writing what I write, for I have always written from the head, the heart, and my pussy, I have to tell you that the payment I get is having contact with someone as nice as you seem to be and hoping that by starting this blog so long ago, crossing paths with you and others like you, becomes my purpose for blogging. When you say it moved you, that moves me ....if it gets you off, so it does for me as well.