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Just a Lesbian Fantasy ..Just A Wish ! or .. Denise has said some flirtatious things to me in the past two weeks.

I am very much in the closet about my sexuality, and I am never sure just when a REAL opportunity to be with someone arises. If I guess wrong, and put myself out there, I could be shunned by the individual, reported to the network of friends as a "lezzie", turned into the authority of my husband, family or church, or in the worst case scenario, all of the above.

Denise is, first of all, not her real name. Secondly, if you are hoping for me to write the fantasy where I get to pleasure the big boobed, blue eyed 23 year old blonde who moans loud enough to shake the bedposts loose, you have come to the wrong blog. Denise is the "beauty within" kind of wholesome girl ...I call it "farmgirl" looks with long thin brown hair to her shoulders and a few freckles thrown in for cuteness ...and someone who turns pink and sometimes even red when she laughs or if she is embarrassed or surprised. She isn't full in the chest ...but wears these tops that if I have happened to catch the right angle at the right moment when she leans forward or bends over, I have seen enough milky skin to wonder if I can almost see it all, and lately, I have seen that and wondered if the peek was purposeful.

Denise is someone real and has very much made me think that our relationship of VERY casual friendship could become more.

If I could have my pick of all the friends in the world, she wouldn't be at the top ... I find her very overly critical of everyone while being one to never take the blame herself.

And if f I could have my pick of any sexual partner in the world, she might not be on appearance one of the first I would pick ...I have convinced myself that I would prefer someone who wasnt so thin and fully 8-10 dress sizes smaller than me, with larger breasts than hers and in addition, I have convinced myself that because I am married with a young son, that if I am to be with anyone nearby, she probably needs to be an unhappily married closeted bisexual mom just as I am...and about the same age or so. But Denise is is 4 years younger than my 30 years ..however her personality is of someone less mature. someone who got stuck at about 18 for some reason. She is single and from what she tells me about her social life, the pattern is that the men get what they want very quickly, then take her for granted ...and then are bid either a tearful or vindictive farewell.

But ...while she isn't the perfect friend at this time...I have sure noticed her ..noticing me....or flirting with me. At least if feels that way ..but I can't be sure. I've such a fear of putting myself out there and being rejected. But I can also see that the prospect of a deeper friendship and a gratifying sexual relationship may only be possible if I take the chance and let her know that I am ...well..willing if she is.

In fact...while you might think my sexual fantasies of her right now involve who gets who off and how ...this past week I get horny and wet mostly thinking of what I would say to her it would come across ..and ..if she would indeed come along with me on a journey of mutual exploration.

I have thought that mostly I am comfortable talking on the phone ... that while we are together out somewhere I will tell her something like...."I was going to call you ...I really have something to talk get off my chest ....nothing bad ..but ..I don't know...if we are close like that...I mean..are we close enough to talk about anything ?" And I am sure she would assure me that we were ..."that close" and "whats wrong" and I would say "nothing..oh its nothing bad..I just want to talk with you about something." and we would dance over words like that.

When we talk..I have doubts I will have the guts to actually say these things..but if I do...I think I am going to start knowing that the worst she could do is ....well ..the worst she could do is break my ever loving heart in two. big deal.

I have literally fantasized a call like this a thousand times ...with me fantasizing about who gets the call ...well that has changed a few times ..maybe a dozen ...over the years. I have never made that call ...but with her ... I know its about to change.

me: listen ....I don't want to lose you as a friend ..but I am not going to be able to go another day if I don't say what's on my mind.

her: go ahead...its can tell me anything. did i do something ? are you mad?

me: no ..NO ..its not know it's not that ..gosh...I am just crazy about you....I am always happy when we hang out together ...we are on the same page about just about everything, and even when we aren't ...we are able to just move on, ya know? Sooooooo. ... I hope that we are on the same page on this ...if not ..i hope we don't lose our friendship over whatever I say ..ok??? I mean ..thats the important thing...that you know that I just ..well I just love you and can't hardly bear the thought of losing our closeness.

her: we're gonna be friends no matter what .....what is it you want to say....

me: (long pause) well I just can't say it

her: yes you can

me: I can tell you anything????

her: absolutely!

me: anything!

her: yes....gawd girl I cannot stand the suspense sound so serious

me:I am just making myself vulnerable I never have before.

her: it's ok girl ...I'll keep any secret no matter what. WHAT is this about ?

me: ....its about alot of things ...its about me...and what I have been through....and where I am going and where I want to go. you know..I am not happy in my marriage (yes) ..but.. I dont want to ..or at least I can't leave my husband at this point...not and risk losing my son ...nto and risk losing alot more than that......but you KNOW i am not happy.

her: I know that without you saying it.

me: .and you know about the guy I was with a few years ago know I told you about Ron ?

her: he back in your life ?

me: ..its not about that...its about this....ummmmmmmm Denise ..Ron ..... ummm that wasnt his real name....

her: ok...cause it's someone i know...

me: its not someone you know..its just that I need to tell ..i WANT to tell you..that Ron...was really Rhonda.

her: ..oooh...i see....

(now I realize at this point her reaction could be any one of a million things ....but at leats I have found a way to tell her I am at least bisexual ...if she recoils ...I will stop easy pullout point where I can claim I was experimenting or seduced or too drunk to understand....or ..if I feel the door opeing a bit ...I want to tell her who I am inside)

her: ..thats not going to cost us our friendship

me: well..thats what I thought...but um ..i mean..there is more ..i mean...have you ever done that ?

her: you mean had an affair with a woman ? ummmmm (very nervous laughter) no...can't say I have done that...

me: (deliberate silence...letting her talk)

her: I mean...I don't ever think I had the opportunity ...umm.. I am glad you trust me enough to tell me..but i mean..its no big deal

me: is it really no big deal ? oh you just don't know

her: no big deal at all ....i just don't know why you are so upset ....or uptight...about something that happened years ago something wrong ? I mean...i guess I have a million questions.

me: because.........(here goes the bomb dropping)

her: go ahead....its ok

me: i hope this is ok....ummm... i am a mom...and pretty much a lesbian ... and I pretty much have been since I was a teenager...but ...I just havent had the chance to do anything but live a normal valley lifestyle and do what I am supposed to do..and now that I am 30 and my marriage is falling apart and I hardly do anything for myself...I am ...Denise...I am trying to tell you................... that I have had the biggest crush on you ... sexually ...for the longest time.

her: (god knows what she would say)

me: (I would have to continue) I lay awake every night and think about every day making love to you ...and I know...I mean...I have been pretty sure based on the things you have told me ..that you have not been down this path before....but I want to show you that I can be to you something more than a close friend ... I want to show you that this is about much much more than just sexual gratification ..although I am fairly sure that we could easily have our fair share of that if not more ...I want to show you that the person inside me..that I THINK you have grown to like quite a bit ...can give you so much more .... and that it's not about just women gettting together because we would feel good ...sexually ..ya know...but you'll have to know that me wanting to give you pleasure and feel how you respond to my lips, mouth, tongue and the way I want to give myself completely to you is the way that I get my pleasure badly I want to know your joy by creating it. I want you and crave you everyday .... I think you are so beautiful in so many different ways .... and I get so turned on whenver I think about what it will be like the first time I feel you come. there ...I said it ...its out there... I hope you can understand.

her: (and what does she say to this?)

Joan Jett Lesbian Song for Carmen Electra AC DC with Lyrics ...very cool

SO...I have always liked Joan Jett ..and on my cable tv companies on demand feature, they have a music video channell. I go to it every once in a while..and they got a new Joan Jett vid called AC/DC . And I wonder .."what could this be about." Like what wasnt obvious...she has always been a little dykey ...nothing wrong with that mind you. But she is in the video with Carmen Electra ..and it turns out apparently ..that they are a couple ??? wow. Well.. google the video if you don't have the video like I did ..and I thought I would share the very stunning words from the song here :

She got girls
Girls all over the world
She got men
Every now and then
But she can't make up her mind
On just how to fill her time
An' the only way she can wind

She got some other lover as well as me
She got some other fella as well as me
She got some other lover as well as me

She got spunk
But they call her a punk
She can sing
You wanna see her Ding-a-ling
Well let's be in it together
I guess she'll be in it forever
You gotta take it now or never

She got some other lover as well as me
She got some other fella as well as me
She got some other lover as well as me

She got girls
Girls all over the world
She got men
Every now and then
But she can't make up her mind
On just how to fill her time
An' the only way she can wind

She got some other lover as well as me
She got some other fella as well as me
She got some other lover as well as me

She got some other lover as well as me
She got some other fella as well as me
She got some other fella as well as me
She got some other lover as well as me

Being Lesbian In The Real World ? Not Allowed !

Here is the quote from Rosie O'Donnel about Ellen DeGeneres and why she doesn't talk about being a lesbian on her tv show.
"[Ellen] is not allowed to. She signed a contract saying she wouldn't ... It was on the heels of my show ... so that's why she doesn't. But you know what, she also paved the way for a lot of gay people. Especially on TV. There were no gay shows on TV. She was pre-'Will and Grace,' remember that. So, you know, I talk about gay because I like to. And she doesn't talk about it because she doesn't want to, or she can't, but who cares, it's fine. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay."

It is just the way it is tell people who know me best about who I am or what I feel would be the same as telling them "I know you won't associate with me anymore but...."

I have known this all my life ...since I understood what I was inside.

Last week I heard an attempt to be funny really didn't offend me that much, but it did reitterate that in my own social circle, it's "conform to the norm." Someone was saying how Ellen was talking on her TV show about hurting her back...and how she only did it when she reached down to pet the puppy ...and someone near me said "I thought she'd be petting the pussycat instead." ha ha .... It is just the way it is ...I have even literally heard someone, a male talking about male homosexuals, but still, the world we live in, "the should all be ...." I have never never never understood how whom I sleep with has anything to do with what kind of person I am out of bed.

SO..I have lived the whole life in the closet ..and will to some extent stay that way. But...I feel myself coming out of my shell little by little and wanting to take baby steps towards being a little more who I am. Some people should not know ...the usual suspects. But I think I am close to taking a chance with a few....dropping some strong hints and we will see. Scary ..but could be liberating. I you think someone will get the message if I just say "she has the most lovely breasts I have ever seen," ....or to make it more obvious "that kinda excites me"...or to just put it all out there, "gosh I wish I could kiss them."

Yes..I have other things I would say ...depends on who is around...but I am waiting for an opportunity. :)

SO ...less erotic than usual my posting today ... I will get back on that horse before long. Just venting.

To Be Wanted By Her

I have such a lifelong confidence when dealing with most men. It is with women that my confidence fails...I think it is because they so clearly see all my flaws. The weight gain is obvious, the effort it takes to be "pretty" is sometimes acknowledged, but, I fear and know that if I am that critical of everyone else, they are that critical of me. wonderful it is to be convinced that ...she wants me. It is more naked to my soul than showing my body in the light. The want to be wanted by her is so strong. When I believe it, that she wants me as much as I want her ...I can give myself to her completely....and with my lips, mouth, tongue and skin ...and pent up desire ...I can make her so glad she chose me. I can't wait for our lips to meet and our tongues to tangle :)

Movies with a lesbian or bi theme or lesbian kiss worth seeing at least once !

My Lesbian Movie List and some jots

Gia -The all time emotional rollercoaster -So beautiful are the love scenes

Kissing Jessica Stein--Straight girl thinking "maybe" Answering the personals ad-- One of the better and more realistic story lines but ...takes too long to get to the goodstuff and aint alot of it. But The STORY THE STORY THE STORY

Personal Best - I have seen a few times on cable ...great scene when the relationship is coming apart ...."but sometimes I F### you" when they are fighting hits home-First of a couple of good Mariel Hemingway convincing of acting needed.

But I'm A Cheerleader-I will take a great story anyday

The Truth About Jane

If These Walls Could Talk 2

Better Than Chocolate

Wild Things-It may be the scene that shocked the world the most.

Bound-Portrayed HANDS as an "erotic" thing. Closeups of hands ...hands moving slowly ..seductively. Hands ..are a woman's "penis"

Boys On The Side

Chasing Amy
She describes fisting on the playground in a way that made every woman who saw it drip

Basic Instinct-the kiss to literally die for

Color Purple-Just because it's there and in such a significant classic

Claire Of The Moon
portrayed an honest to goodness scene from my own life ..thought someone knew me and wrote it

Fried Green Tomatoes

Mulholland Drive

The Sex Monster - Husband hears Howard Stern type talk about girls getting together ...gets his wife to go for the threesome ..she likes it ALOT ..ALOT !!!!! good comedy about what I think really happens sometimes. Second of a couple of good Mariel Hemingway convincing of acting needed.

Poison Ivy -seething crush you aren't sure about until it is emphatically confirmed

Thelma & Louise ...ok..implied

Cruel Intentions - another kiss is a kiss but a good one to remember

A truely new experience of self love happened last week ....

I will call this "The Drive" as if it were fiction ...but it is completely true

I have a 20 to 25 minute drive from my work to where I live ..and I generally work from early in the morning to the early afternoon ..arriving home sometime in the early afternoon ..if I am lucky, with enough free time before I have to pick my child up from school, to spend a little time with "myself." That is, with email, on chat, in bed.... Often, when I know I will have a decent amount of private time, my thoughts begin to wander towards sex as I drive down the highway ...I begin to get wet with anticipation ..and I will put a finger or palm down against my jeans and give it a little push or a tickle.
I believe for the first time last of the warm sunny first days of spring, with the window down on my way home, that I began to include my breasts as I was driving. This is a rural road, so this is not about putting on a show...but as I drove, I pinched my nipples and gently lifted and squeezed first the left and then the right breast ...realizing how "wrong" this was and that I had never done it before...not like this anyway..and also, very aware of how gooooood it was much wetter my vagina was getting and how slowly it seemed the SUV was going down the road, because I felt I could not get home to "privacy" fast enough. What I had started in the vehicle was not going to need email, chat, or pornographic inspiration beyond what was already taking place. Bolder I fondled my going underneath my blouse and the underwire of my bra ....letting go to let my hand down to my warmest place of desire where I was beggining to throb and pulsate a bit ...tingling with the "no turning back" feeling when masturbation goes from teasing and tickling to thrusting and frigging. Once on a ten hour drive to Atlanta with a skirt instead of the jeans I was wearing now on I tried to finish myself while driving in the middle of that night on the interstate. I had to quit when I rationed that I was speeding up and slowing down and driving so irregularly that a trooper would surely pull me over if I was observed....but then again, I thought...."maybe she will be a lovely, lonely, lady trooper , and maybe that wouldn't be so bad." But common sense and fear overcame me before the orgasm did, and that was that ...

So last week as this erotic drive continued, the thought ..the desire it was finger myself more than just on the outside of my jeans was building and building. I undid the button and slipped the zipper down the inch neccessary to let my hand slip inside. One hand on the wheel, my breasts craving even more attention now that they were being ignored ....and my fingers slipping under my panties to where I was wet and tingling for more concentrating touching than I was capable of in light of my current task of arriving home alive. My clit was hard and super sensitive lips were on the verge of dripping ...and with my breathing I was beggining to pant. As I push deeper first moan escapes my lips and of course I am thinking "this is just have got to stop this." Its now instinct that guides my middle finger to increase the pace and my erotic soul begins to whisper to me "almost there...just a little bit more...don't stop."

Now this was happening in broad daylight ...and the rural setting outside my window was giving way to my town coming into view. Soon the speed limit would lower to 25mph, the stoplights would slow me further, and I would be less than a couple minutes from pulling into the driveway. This was not guaranteed relief .... as I imagined a neighbor being neighborly while I feigned polite conversation while my crotch flamed and throbbed. Something didn't want to leave my inevitable conclusion to the chance of that buzzkill....and as I came up on a sidestreet at the edge of town I remembered a small park that could be reached with two quick lefts. I didn't signal and almost put the SUV up on two wheels turning so late and so sharp...but down the street and next after the left the park came into view, and to my hearts content, I noticed no vehicles in the parking lot. Into the space, the vehicle in park, quickly leaning back, spreading my legs and now with no feet on any pedals I furiously fingered myself into an orgasm that gave off beautiful colors, caused my stomach muscles to tighten so that I almost doubled over into the steering wheel...and let go an "I don't care if anyone is nearby to hear this" gutteral "oooooohhh." as the aftershocks of my orgasm filtered themselves out of existence. It was defintely the best I had had in at least a year and perhaps more. I wondered why I had never done that before ...and if I ever would again.

The want for her pleasure soaks me with desire.

I woke up wanting a soft tongue in my mouth, wanting to open my eyes to see hers filled with desire ...
Wanting to reach down and feel her wetness...that thrill when it is wetter than you expected and you know its going to be something to remember for both of you. Wanting to taste her as bad as she wants me there with all the love my lips, tongue, fingers and skin can provide. The want for her pleasure soaks me with desire.

Lesbian Phone sex ??? ....much better than cyber !

I wanted to comment on a couple of things..

First of all...the phone thing. I am a (unhappily) married, in the closet leaning lesbian, without a girlfriend, in a small bible belt town, without alot of "prospects" if you will. I have not been with a woman in 4 years....but I so crave intimacy with a woman every day. If it weren't for the interenet...this would be unbearable torture. But..there is some relief...and sometimes ... release :)

The times I have been intimate with women on the phone..while very rare...are the most erotic and intense experiences I have had. While I think almost everyone on here probably has some experience with what the call cybersex ...I quickly determined that typing "oh baby oh baby" was NOT for me. Chatting can be a great way to begin an honest relationship perhaps, and I believe honest erotic talk is a strong aphrodesiac (like many posts in this forum) , but the typing of "first I do this then you do me like that" just got old quickly.

On the other hand...if some trust is built up...honest, erotic talk leading to a phone conversation is intense....and with the right person...memorable and even I would say , is a "lovemaking" experience even comparable to "skin to skin." Ok..NOTHING beats skin to skin...lips to lips. If there is desire on the other end of the is sooo exciting. And honestly, when there is "first time" innocence on the other end...even more so!

Those who have tried meeting someone in a chatroom and going phone know that, like real sex, it isnt always perfect. There have been a handful of men on the other end unexpectedly...and the worst experience was when a woman and I had started in and her husband "picked up" and went off with a barrage of insane profanity. However, the good times have been worth the trouble....I even had a girlfriend who couldn't really join me because she was at work..but she listened while she did her work. exciting :)

The moment ....inches away from quenching desire

There is a moment that to me, when I am with a woman in bed, that is unlike anything else in life..and a moment my mind freezes in time with each of the women that I have slept with. That moment is when we've been making out, everyone is so turned on with enormous anticipation for the pleasures that await ...and from the kissing and fondling, I have begun to move downward. As I arrive just inches away from quenching desire ...her smell ...the vision .. the glisten and the knowing that I will moments from now taste and delight her with my lips, tongue, fingers and more. That frozen moment...near her thighs, moving in for the kiss...she lunges against me. That moment
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