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....and I give myself to her

There is a moment of complete surrender when I take a deep breath and slowly let it out, where i know I am about to do anything for her she desires...and one of the things I will do is try to know what she wants. For the way we make love can be different every time...and I am here to create her pleasure. The more of her pleasure I can feel her release...the more of my pleasure I am able to feel. So I go about writing her pleasure as a conducter composes a symphony so many many tempos and textures at my disposal ....we create a different song for her every time.

The First Time I Masturbated - My Lover The Pillow Jim

A very sweet friend emailed me about how this group we are in has so many subjects IS called but it is called Women Masturbating Together, so I thought I would share how my first time happened...a bit accidentally...and maybe you can have a laugh at my story, or share your own.

And I clarify...masturbating to orgasm...not the times I tickled it in the tub and thought...thats pretty good.

I started very young ....I was in fifth grade...eys 11 years old...i know..too young ...and my boobs were starting to bud, which I liked alot ...was extremely fascinated by them , and even though I understood that sex involved a penis and vagina, and I was being told about my "changing body" and soon I would be having periods etc...I definitely had some WRONG ideas about making love and sex. I can look back and know I didn't quite realize what the vagina was really for ...and I thought that "making love" was mostly when a boy did lots and lots and lots to your breasts (which was the thing that felt the best to my up til then limited knowledge.

I remember distinctly that the love of my life was Jim..oooh how I had such puppy love for him and wanted to be his wife. You know how you think all that when you are that age. At night when I would pretend to be his wife pillow represented Jim, and I would completely make out with this pillow ..and laugh when I remember either me being on top or "him" being on top. But .."Jim" the pillow, just loved my boobs and touched them, fondled them, squeezed them and I even had minor success with "Jims" (MY) mouth just making my breasts ache with desire and my nipples stiff with delight. Girls, I had heard the word "orgasm" and "coming" and was mistakenly sure that coming was that wonderful achey and defiinitel wet feeling when your breasts had been so wonderfully stimulated..which is what I was sure "Jim," the pillow was going to do to them when I let him...which of course I had full plans to do, as his future wife of course. LOL I probably would have described an orgasm as simply "when you get wet." I would have been right of course, but wrong in that I was leaving out some other details :)

Well that night, with the pillow on top of me, and me not being able to hold him tight enough, somehow knowing his penis would be put in my vagina after all the boob stuff, I put the pillow against me with pressure. It felt so good of course..that it happened again and again..feeling better and better. some point the "making out with Jim" part of whatever I was doing went "poof" and I found myself laying back and just taking that pillow and rubbing myself with it. Over and over..never felt anything like it of good. My first orgasm swelled to a SHUDDER/SHOCK of complete, all over my body numbness and tingles..and at that moment I STOPPED doing what I was doing with the pillow. WOW. "What was THAT!" Felt like I was going to die...thus the "little death" analogy so common.

It took what i remember as a few minutes for me to have the courage to start with the pillow...but now it felt very different...tooo sensitive to really do that anymore. I did realize that what I had had was an orgasm....and for the whole next day at school could not wait to get back to the pillow. The next night was without panties ...a practice that soon began to leave me sore enough from doing myself that I could not do it every night....every other night perhaps.

Foreplay with the pillow for the next few "sessions" was limited ....I quickly went straight for the pillow rub...and learned about increasing speed for more pleasure...and within a few weeks I started having more, what I would call real "keeping going" when the full body tingle began...I did not stop and learned the "wow" of that.

In those days when I did it every other day...oh the anticipation while in school of knowing that tonight was going to be one of "those nights." I even found a way to position a pencil against my crotch under my desk, and looking back, cannot believe a teacher never noticed what I was obviously doing.

I had my first period within a month of that first time, and I don't exactly remember but it was probably 6 months that my method involved that pillow...til a friend on the bus opened the first masturbation girls talk, (what we did before there was an internet) with, out of about a dozen girls, maybe 4 of us who "had done it,' the rest just listening and learning. My friend Pam who had been doing it, convinced me I was doing it wrong, and told me how to use baby oil to wetten it and use your hands. I only needed the baby oil the first two times...after that it was my own fingers on my clit and the slight penetration inside myself to deliver the plenty of moisture my body was providing.

Since then, there of course have been many techniques and of course tools...vibs and the spicket and gawd sometimes anything you could rub up against. There are no more Jim's ...only Janes :)

"To thine ownself be true"

I must have had a thousand lesbian crushes when I was young

I must have had a thousand lesbian crushed when I was young. I discusion in a group I am in reminded me of a very erotic thing that
happened when I was 16, and delivering papers at 5 in the morning ...of course
it's quiet and everyone is asleep at that time....I came around a
corner to hear through an opened screened window the buzz of a womans
vibrator ...and she was clearly visable and oblivious to me.
She was getting herself under her nightgown... but I could see alot and stared
for about a minute before I felt overwhelming pressure to move
along....before she reached climax. I DO wish I had stayed, have thought of a million things that MIGHT have happened....but at the time I was scared and
chickend out.

The image burned in my memory forever ..and all I
thought about for several of my personal sessions afterwards was seeing
her doing that ..and imagining meeting her ...which I never did. But what a crush of desire I had for her ...and to think of it...still do.

I was a teenage lesbian :)

All I can tell you about is that I knew the very instant that it dawned on me what women really did with each other that I was at least bisexual. I also knew that because my friends said bad things about lesbians and ...for instance, ...that was a name you didnt want to be called "Miss Donnagail is a Lezzie and thats why she is such a bitch..." ...and my mom was very undiplomatic about anything I expressed that wasnt just anything but what SHE thought was normal ...that I KNOW alot of women can't admit to who they are inside and, in my case, I went through all the motions of dating and going togther and breaking up with boyfriends that I only had time to thnk about my true thoughts when I was alone at night...but after alllll these years, and i am 30 now, I realize that my sexual fantasies almost always were about these two things...and it may be hard to understand what I am learning to two things were :
1-sexual fullfillment with a woman -- or a girl..but usually was thinking about older women ..and
2-sexual MANIPULATION of a man . And for me..when I finally relized that I thought of men and women soooo differently ....I started to accept that I am probably more lesbian than bisexual ....I enjoy sex with men ..but what I enjoy isnt really what they do to me or how it makes me feel, it is more what I do to them and how they feel about me AFTER the sex. When I am thiking about women...and in the very few times I have actually been with women ....i am about totally giving myself to her and desiring her to totally give herself to me. That is just how I am wired ...but it took a long time to realize and think about it

I am wayyyy in the closet...because of my family..because I've known i'll eventually get divorced ..i dont "make passes"...did it once and got rejected (I will tell that story here...but tis a sex!) ..that was fear enough ...wish i could be strong ...I know that in life ..i believe anyway that there IS someone here for me...we just havent met yet apparently...but she is going to be very happy she met me someday..ill be sure of that

My sexual confessions are yours

I miss having a sexual confessor. Someone to talk with about all the things that happen in my sex life, both in reality and fantasy. I have had 2 friends in my life who were close enough to reilsh in this role. But with maturity, nobody to share those recollections, inner feelings, experiences and desires. I will make this website my sexual confessor ....the special one to whom I will hold nothing back and trust that it won't be used against me. I am trusting you ....are you a good listener ?

Contradiction -Lesbian In Heart Mind Soul But Not In Life

I am at a place in my life in my sexual life...where I have contradictions.
I know that I knew I was at least bisexual when I was 12 but didnt act on it til I was 18, and have acted so very little on it since.

I knew when I was so young because I was reading books, seeing movie scenarios and tv scenes with lesbian and bisexual women ..and I was without a doubt sure that I was that. But, it didnt seem like could tell anyone... but my bisexuality was evident in the fantasies i had almost every night were about women. I should say MOSTLY women because sometimes would it be about whatever boy or man i got a crush on....but 80% of the time about women.
I remember most of that fantasy was just not directed at any girl in particular ..or i should probably say woman, since i never really thought about girls in my school. But I went through High School with nothing happening with women or girls but lots happening with boys...just normal.

But the first summer I was out of high school something finally did....and I was then knowing that I was bisexual but not at all ready to even think that I might be "lesbian" as a label. I was still interested in boys and dating ...but even then I knew it was not what I truly was just what I was doing. Going with the flow. Being interested in boys was why my first girfriend ended that relationship after a month. I was naive enough to think that being bisexual means you can have two lovers of each, right ? I am sure it works that way for some..but my girlfriend did not see it that way ..and I have honestly regretted losing her since. Since then..only women i was with were two one night stands that I met on the internet..and the last one was a long time more than four years.

But this is why I say I am at a contradiction..all my life, I have been wanting to be with women with a passion ..every day I think about it and wish something would happen...but all that happens is day to day life, You go to school, get a job, get married and have a baby. You keep in touch with family and try not to piss off your parents do what everyone ELSE is doing..and none of these things... NONE of these things has anything at all to do with wanting to be with a woman.

I only ever came out to one friend, who turned me down painfully, and aside from that it doesnt come up...not at work not at church, not anywhere I socialize would a woman I meet say "nice boobs...would you like to make love?" LOL I swear....if it wasnt for the internet ...the lesbian side of me, which I am realizing is most of me and always has been ...if it weren't for the internet it would have nowhere to go.

So it goes here now ...on this blog. All of me revealed ...eventually

The Lesbian Start Of My Life...When I KNEW.

I have thought alot recently about the time that I KNEW I was at least
bisexual ...and for me that was a very early age, even though I didn't
act upon it physically until I was 19. I bring this up because in
"chats" with several women on yahoo, and when I was a member, on AOL,
quite a few women seem to be latecomers to this aspect of their
sexuality. As if they had gone their whole lives until one day at the
age of 25,35 or later, " into women I think."

When I was 12, it seems there was a perfect storm of TV shows that
showed women in particular with a girl not much older
than I was at the time coming to terms with her desires, as well as
scenes in movies, and chapters in the books I was seems
that "IT" kept coming up ...and "IT" kept calling my name as it were.
The surefire final straw of when I KNEW came when I was reading some
book that my mom gave me to understand the birds and bees ..and it had
a chapter on what lesbians did with each other. I seem to remember
the slant of the writer was that this was rare and perhaps wrong
altogether behavior....but as I read the this and that of what women
did with each other in bed, I was sure that not only was there nothing
wrong with it, (as my family and friends and society seemed to be
beating into me) but that for me it was only a matter of time until I
was doing it. It was a matter of more time and maturity before I
factored in emotions and deep affections (love?) of the sexual acts.
When I look back, there were many many other signs...perhaps not as clear then as they are now...perhaps something to talk about here on this blog in the future.

I am curious about the time when it became crystal clear for
women ...I have seen, like on Oprah etc, women who knew from the
playground years ..and as I said, women who didnt know til a woman
planted a surprising kiss in later years. If you are reading this and want to share with others who wll stop by, share when YOU KNEW you were
into women?

In the time to come on here...I will share what has happened and is happening since the time I KNEW I was different...or is it all THAT different.
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