All I can tell you about is that I knew the very instant that it dawned on me what women really did with each other that I was at least bisexual. I also knew that because my friends said bad things about lesbians and ...for instance, ...that was a name you didnt want to be called ...like "Miss Donnagail is a Lezzie and thats why she is such a bitch..." ...and my mom was very undiplomatic about anything I expressed that wasnt just anything but what SHE thought was normal ...that I KNOW alot of women can't admit to who they are inside and, in my case, I went through all the motions of dating and going togther and breaking up with boyfriends that I only had time to thnk about my true thoughts when I was alone at night...but after alllll these years, and i am 30 now, I realize that my sexual fantasies almost always were about these two things...and it may be hard to understand what I am learning to understand...my two things were :
1-sexual fullfillment with a woman -- or a girl..but usually was thinking about older women ..and
2-sexual MANIPULATION of a man . And for me..when I finally relized that I thought of men and women soooo differently ....I started to accept that I am probably more lesbian than bisexual ....I enjoy sex with men ..but what I enjoy isnt really what they do to me or how it makes me feel, it is more what I do to them and how they feel about me AFTER the sex. When I am thiking about women...and in the very few times I have actually been with women ....i am about totally giving myself to her and desiring her to totally give herself to me. That is just how I am wired ...but it took a long time to realize and think about it
I am wayyyy in the closet...because of my family..because I've known i'll eventually get divorced ..i dont "make passes"...did it once and got rejected (I will tell that story here...but tis a bummer...no sex!) ..that was fear enough ...wish i could be strong ...I know that in life ..i believe anyway that there IS someone here for me...we just havent met yet apparently...but she is going to be very happy she met me someday..ill be sure of that
1-sexual fullfillment with a woman -- or a girl..but usually was thinking about older women ..and
2-sexual MANIPULATION of a man . And for me..when I finally relized that I thought of men and women soooo differently ....I started to accept that I am probably more lesbian than bisexual ....I enjoy sex with men ..but what I enjoy isnt really what they do to me or how it makes me feel, it is more what I do to them and how they feel about me AFTER the sex. When I am thiking about women...and in the very few times I have actually been with women ....i am about totally giving myself to her and desiring her to totally give herself to me. That is just how I am wired ...but it took a long time to realize and think about it
I am wayyyy in the closet...because of my family..because I've known i'll eventually get divorced ..i dont "make passes"...did it once and got rejected (I will tell that story here...but tis a bummer...no sex!) ..that was fear enough ...wish i could be strong ...I know that in life ..i believe anyway that there IS someone here for me...we just havent met yet apparently...but she is going to be very happy she met me someday..ill be sure of that
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