There is someone I met online that is captivating me in a way that I have not been captivated by an online friend in many a year. Lacy is UBER smart ..while it is probably clear to those who read my writing often that I am far from it. She is my needle in a haystack ...the woman I hope to meet (as in for real...not just online) who lives 2 hours drive nearby and makes me feel comfortable enough to believe that we can take what we are doing online to the next level. We have made love on the phone, next for us is a real meet with a comfortable bed. We are ready for stage three ...and she has gotten me to do something I thought I might never do ...which I will more fully explain at some point ..but she has gotten me to order a strap-on. Oh I know the hard core lesbians that read my blog are having a good laugh about that ..why I feel so tramatized LOL. But, she has convinced me its what she wants and prefers when / if we make love ..and the concession I have asked of her is that we don't use it the first time we are together. SO ...first time without, and if there is a second time, I presume I am going to be doing something I have never been sure I'd be comfortable with ..but I am a giver in bed, and her experiences have led her to believe that this is not only what SHE wants, but also, what I would want when we are together. It's coming in the mail. I did it. I ordered it after agonizing over whether or not I should spend the money and which one to buy. So be it. (Am I a dyke now ?) So, let me give you history / background on the online experience that has come to this point.
First of all, I don't engage in cybersex but that is not to say that while we talk we are not having some sort of sex ...its just not typing what we'd do to each other. I need to admit that I have been getting off with women and unfortunately and unintentionally men pretending to be women for what is now 16 years ...after the first cyber experiences at age 16 with first men, then women met in AOL chatrooms. There were soooo many men who were seeking someone underage, who got the immediate boot, and the ones who didn't quite believe I was really 16 or even female, but still hung on to conversations curiously were less of a turn on as well. I developed a rapore with a lesbian wife of a farmer, something a little too similar to what I have now become so many years later, who didn't live but an hour away from me, and who was the first to require that I call her to prove I was female. After that, we had some extremely steamy conversations online but she said she would not actually do anything with me sexually until I was 18. I remember trying pretty hard to pursuade her to change her mind ...it wasn't to be and we lost touch without consummating. It has been a long time but I seem to remember at just the time she said she would give in and meet me ...she vanished. Back then I would do the kind of cybersex that is "i do this and you do that." At that stage in my life I was bi-curious by definition ...having not actually done the things I was typing about doing. I am now not interested in that ...does nothing for me, I don't know why. I do remember that at that time I would play online with men and boys and had typed out and saved my description of the perfect blowjob. WHY did it seem like so much fun to get guys off with the same description cut and pasted again and again ...ONE time even posing as a boy and talking with another boy from a nearby high school, exposing his own bi curious side. These were interesting experiences in primative social networking situations. Some of this has changed, some has not as I am solicited on a day off with privacy by online friends and acquaintances on facebook, AIM (which I am new to and learning) and yahoo, which Yes, when I have a morning off, or a whole day with privacy and can let myself believe that I can waste time online like this, I go looking for love in the wrongest of places just HOPING to find the needle in a haystack friend or lover ...or orgasmic experience ...preferring to find someone to explore phone intimacy with (a nice girls word for phone sex) because that at least answers the question as to whether or not it is one of the numerous men pretending to be lesbians online. Years ago when yahoo had rooms that were VERY specific, such as "bi virginia moms," (those rooms aren't around anymore) I actually found not one but two lovers that are two of the better experiences with women I have had. I never rule out that it could happen that way again, but the bi virginia mom rooms, the lesbian phone sex rooms, and the like, are long gone.
And so, as it goes, half of any conversation online is determining who is jerking my chain. At some point is a determination as to whether our conversation will be about past experiences, future desires, or just chit chat with an erotic bent. I always think that when you meet someone in a lesbian chatroom, the questions of "are we horny" are pretty much already answered. But those looking for picture exchange (only), video chatting, cybersex are dismissed, I always hope to find someone who is either nearby enough to consider really meeting, or at least interest me, and I her, enough for a connection to be established and excitement to become foreplay for the masturbatory morning that becomes a shared experience. I always go to chatrooms first when I plan to masturbate, and if it does not work out there I move on to finding lesbian erotica or trying to find flat out lesbian pornography that seems somewhat genuine and not so fake ...a difficult task....but, always gets the juices flowing and the desired effect achieved. (have you figured out how much I love to masturbate yet ? LOL)
Then there is lesbian phone sex. I wrote about it before, but its just a very intimate thing to connect across the country with someone like that. Meet in a lesbian chatroom and everyone knows from the start that we both are horny. Now what to do with it. I am a noisy orgasmer when I can be...it lets me let it out. So much more interesting to me to masturbate with emotion rather than just technique ...and the few times that I have actually made a phone connection, it has been a very erotic experience. Arriving at orgasm, hearing her arrive at orgasm that either my chat words or words from this blog have inspired. Yes, when its over I feel a little guilty and ...where is the cuddling and afterglow ...not there at all. But for something more than static finger it and get it done masturbation, cybersex will never do it for me because of the likelihood that it is not a woman you are really talking to. Those questions are answered wholeheartedly on phone.
Ok...I am getting jaded a bit after so many years and hearing so many lines and being able to predict 85 to 95% of what anyone is going to say or do or react online in chat ...so thats why Lacy is the absolute exception to everyone I ever talked with. For one thing, she is lesbian, not bisexual, and at 26, 6 years younger than me, is as plain jane as to the casual observer as they come. I think she is absolutely beautiful, but the nerd look glasses, pictures she has sent me with no makeup and the topless pictures show her as no larger than a B cup with the longest, pinkest, most succulent nipples I ever imagined. She has only ever been with one woman, and her 4 year relationship broke off and left her devastated. Her sincere earnestness in our conversations has thrilled me to no end. I haven't yet ...and may never...told her of this blog. She uses five dollar words with ease, talks about politics and issues and relationships in a category of understanding that is so far beyond me, yet never makes me feel dumb or uneducated or anything other than the girl she has become close to. She doesn't nag me to "come out," like most other true lesbians I have chatted with, and doesn't judge my situation. She doesn't mind that I am a "big girl." She, I think, totally understands my need to give pleasure.
When Lacy and I talk about sex, she shares that her former girlfriend was wonderful to her at first, but they have had so called "lesbian bed death," for the past 3 years and yet never broke it off until she came home and caught her cheating with her best friend, a girl who she had spurned the advances of to stay true to her roomate, only to catch her roomate in bed with. Its against the backdrop that she wont even consider a relationship with anyone, and thus, feels like I am perfect for her in that I am ill equipped for anything more than casual sex ...having said that, I am incapable of anything approaching the normal definition of casual sex, as I get my emotions fully involved with anyone I care for, and I don't think she completely understands that I secretly wish for something more with her than what she apparently sees me as. Anyway...everyone has a way that they like to make love. For me, I am most comfortable making out, giving oral, giving oral some more, giving alot more oral, maybe a little more oral ...and I like to come too, by tribbing and also, by a returned favor of lots of oral combined with lots and lots of breast play. It takes alot for me to get mentally in a place where I can lay back and be "done." Mostly, she has to convince me that it is what SHE needs is to give me that pleasure ...and if I can mentally get there, I can finally relax and let her ravish me. (and ravishing is good ) What else can I share. Well, I get off having my nipples sucked and my tits massaged I think alot more than other women, (as I so enjoy doing that to them) and even though my pussy is screaming for attention from a lovers mouth, I always hate the moment when her mouth leaves my boobs to explore elsewhere ....it does beg for an eventual consummation of the lesbian threesome if one lover can just stay on my tits the whole time I am getting eaten (but thats alot to ask for I know.) I never want deep penetration, but a little goes a long with men when fingers are joined by mouth. Once my orgasms start to roll, I am considered multi-orgasmic, and not what they call a squirter but defintely a drencher. Mostly, the love I love to make with a woman is more about intimacy rather than technique and urgency ...preferring to make out and feel all of the connection. Not that I havent done a few things, but most would consider me a pretty vanilla and non-kinky lover. Having said that, I have been fisted once and I do understand how that makes one feel which goes ALOT deeper than just the sexual release. Was SO INTENSE, and I have to be in the right place mentally for that to ever happen again. I was in love with the girl who did me that way, and took me there so softly, slowly and gently that we were both amazed in the experience.
Well, back to the subject at hand, Lacy (of course that isnt her real name) does love to make love the way I do from all she has said, but also, she won't give up the need for me to fuck her and not just with a vib or a dildo, but she insists what she wants and needs is me to wear one ..which she guarantees I will enjoy as much as she. Well, frankly, it is hard for me to imagine myself with a big rubber dick hanging from my pussy. I want to try new things and want to be open, especially after the things that Lacy has said to me. I have never done toys with a woman in bed, and even though I fantasize about the strap on thing and always have, something about it doesn't seem quite right. ..and yet, I admit, something about it intrigues me enough to think that if I am fucking her and we are in total synch with each other emotionally as well as physically, then something about fucking a girl that way seems just right. Maybe someone can explain to me these hesitations I feel. I am just afraid that when its the big rubber dick in between us that I am going to lose a connection with her, but what do I have to gain ? Maybe the more experienced with strap ons can help me. Lacy says that it will all make sense when I fuck her. I never had a woman so talk me into something I had been thinking I might never do. But, its not about the orgasms I am considering this, it is because SHE WANTS this and I WANT to do it with her. Even as I write this I am considering doing it with her the FIRST time. Now, as I mentioned, I love grinding . Pussy to thigh, and with trust and comfort, pussy to pussy in sitting up positions and missionary as well with proper effort. Yes, when tribbing, I have wanted to get deeper, but ..thats with me, not an extension of me. I keep saying I can get the job done with my fingers and tongue and lips, but Lacy just have a great way of convincing me that when our breasts are bouncing together and her legs are wrapped around me that I will understand what she needs, and because she also understand what a giver I am, she realizes I think that she is tugging my heartstrings in that I always want to do whatever to get my lover off. So ...we are planning a meeting ..and I have ordered this thing ..and I have to admit the naughty side of me that can't wait to try it on and see how it feels. Just almost laughing at the thought of me and my strap on dick. OH MY GAWD ...funny.
Now ...I know that many women with LOTS more experience with toys and dildos and strap ons read this and are probably laughing and calling me naive or something. Help me understand please. I just know what I like and prefer ..but Lacy has me convinced that this new experience is going to change me. I haven't told her I have it, and I am sure she expects to bring hers but when we meet for that second time, if it happens, I am going to surprise her with it. My enchantment with her words and her voice has me doing things I wondered if I ever would ...now I share with you a newfound excitement to find something I am sure most lesbians take as what feels right for them. She wants me to be her first since the painful breakup ...and I want to give to her all she needs and wants. Its the giver in me. I can't wait to know what its like, and I am tempted to do it with her the first time, but for now, am sticking to my guns and saying no toys our first time. But I can't help but feel that there will be that moment where she needs more than I have :)I want to give her all I have because she is a very special woman.
feedback to akiss2desire@gmail.com
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