Denise is, first of all, not her real name. Secondly, if you are hoping for me to write the fantasy where I get to pleasure the big boobed, blue eyed 23 year old blonde who moans loud enough to shake the bedposts loose, you have come to the wrong blog. Denise is the "beauty within" kind of wholesome girl ...I call it "farmgirl" looks with long thin brown hair to her shoulders and a few freckles thrown in for cuteness ...and someone who turns pink and sometimes even red when she laughs or if she is embarrassed or surprised. She isn't full in the chest ...but wears these tops that if I have happened to catch the right angle at the right moment when she leans forward or bends over, I have seen enough milky skin to wonder if I can almost see it all, and lately, I have seen that and wondered if the peek was purposeful.
Denise is someone real and has very much made me think that our relationship of VERY casual friendship could become more.
If I could have my pick of all the friends in the world, she wouldn't be at the top ... I find her very overly critical of everyone while being one to never take the blame herself.
And if f I could have my pick of any sexual partner in the world, she might not be on appearance one of the first I would pick ...I have convinced myself that I would prefer someone who wasnt so thin and fully 8-10 dress sizes smaller than me, with larger breasts than hers and in addition, I have convinced myself that because I am married with a young son, that if I am to be with anyone nearby, she probably needs to be an unhappily married closeted bisexual mom just as I am...and about the same age or so. But Denise is is 4 years younger than my 30 years ..however her personality is of someone less mature. ..like someone who got stuck at about 18 for some reason. She is single and from what she tells me about her social life, the pattern is that the men get what they want very quickly, then take her for granted ...and then are bid either a tearful or vindictive farewell.
But ...while she isn't the perfect friend at this time...I have sure noticed her ..noticing me....or flirting with me. At least if feels that way ..but I can't be sure. I've such a fear of putting myself out there and being rejected. But I can also see that the prospect of a deeper friendship and a gratifying sexual relationship may only be possible if I take the chance and let her know that I am ...well..willing if she is.
In fact...while you might think my sexual fantasies of her right now involve who gets who off and how ...this past week I get horny and wet mostly thinking of what I would say to her ...how it would come across ..and ..if she would indeed come along with me on a journey of mutual exploration.
I have thought that mostly I am comfortable talking on the phone ... that while we are together out somewhere I will tell her something like...."I was going to call you ...I really have something to talk about...to get off my chest ....nothing bad ..but ..I don't know...if we are close like that...I mean..are we close enough to talk about anything ?" And I am sure she would assure me that we were ..."that close" and "whats wrong" and I would say "nothing..oh its nothing bad..I just want to talk with you about something." and we would dance over words like that.
When we talk..I have doubts I will have the guts to actually say these things..but if I do...I think I am going to start knowing that the worst she could do is ....well ..the worst she could do is break my ever loving heart in two. Yeah..no big deal.
I have literally fantasized a call like this a thousand times ...with me fantasizing about who gets the call ...well that has changed a few times ..maybe a dozen ...over the years. I have never made that call ...but with her ... I know its about to change.
me: listen ....I don't want to lose you as a friend ..but I am not going to be able to go another day if I don't say what's on my mind.
her: go ahead...its ok...you can tell me anything. did i do something ? are you mad?
me: no ..NO ..its not that..you know it's not that ..gosh...I am just crazy about you....I am always happy when we hang out together ...we are on the same page about just about everything, and even when we aren't ...we are able to just move on, ya know? Sooooooo. ... I hope that we are on the same page on this ...if not ..i hope we don't lose our friendship over whatever I say ..ok??? I mean ..thats the important thing...that you know that I just ..well I just love you and can't hardly bear the thought of losing our closeness.
her: we're gonna be friends no matter what .....what is it you want to say....
me: (long pause) well I just can't say it
her: yes you can
me: I can tell you anything????
her: absolutely!
me: anything!
her: yes....gawd girl I cannot stand the suspense ..you sound so serious
me:I am just making myself vulnerable ...like I never have before.
her: it's ok girl ...I'll keep any secret no matter what. WHAT is this about ?
me: ....its about alot of things ...its about me...and what I have been through....and where I am going and where I want to go. you know..I am not happy in my marriage (yes) ..but.. I dont want to ..or at least I can't leave my husband at this point...not and risk losing my son ...nto and risk losing alot more than that......but you KNOW i am not happy.
her: I know that without you saying it.
me: .and you know about the guy I was with a few years ago ...you know I told you about Ron ?
her: yes....is he back in your life ?
me: umm...no ..its not about that...its about this....ummmmmmmm Denise ..Ron ..... ummm that wasnt his real name....
her: ok...cause it's someone i know...
me: no...no its not someone you know..its just that I need to tell you...no ..i WANT to tell you..that Ron...was really Rhonda.
her: ..oooh...i see....
(now I realize at this point her reaction could be any one of a million things ....but at leats I have found a way to tell her I am at least bisexual ...if she recoils ...I will stop there...an easy pullout point where I can claim I was experimenting or seduced or too drunk to understand....or ..if I feel the door opeing a bit ...I want to tell her who I am inside)
her: ..thats not going to cost us our friendship
me: well..thats what I thought...but um ..i mean..there is more ..i mean...have you ever done that ?
her: you mean had an affair with a woman ? ummmmm (very nervous laughter) ...no no...can't say I have done that...
me: (deliberate silence...letting her talk)
her: I mean...I don't ever think I had the opportunity ...umm.. I am glad you trust me enough to tell me..but i mean..its no big deal
me: is it really no big deal ? oh you just don't know
her: no big deal at all ....i just don't know why you are so upset ....or uptight...about something that happened years ago ....is something wrong ? I mean...i guess I have a million questions.
me: because.........(here goes the bomb dropping)
her: go ahead....its ok
me: i hope this is ok....ummm... i am married...im a mom...and ...im pretty much a lesbian ... and I pretty much have been since I was a teenager...but ...I just havent had the chance to do anything but live a normal valley lifestyle and do what I am supposed to do..and now that I am 30 and my marriage is falling apart and I hardly do anything for myself...I am ...Denise...I am trying to tell you................... that I have had the biggest crush on you ... sexually ...for the longest time.
her: (god knows what she would say)
me: (I would have to continue) I lay awake every night and think about every day making love to you ...and I know...I mean...I have been pretty sure based on the things you have told me ..that you have not been down this path before....but I want to show you that I can be to you something more than a close friend ... I want to show you that this is about much much more than just sexual gratification ..although I am fairly sure that we could easily have our fair share of that if not more ...I want to show you that the person inside me..that I THINK you have grown to like quite a bit ...can give you so much more .... and that it's not about just women gettting together because we would feel good ...sexually ..ya know...but you'll have to know that me wanting to give you pleasure and feel how you respond to my lips, mouth, tongue and the way I want to give myself completely to you is the way that I get my pleasure ...how badly I want to know your joy by creating it. I want you and crave you everyday .... I think you are so beautiful in so many different ways .... and I get so turned on whenver I think about what it will be like the first time I feel you come. ...so there ...I said it ...its out there... I hope you can understand.
her: (and what does she say to this?)
