(after the lesbian seduction my co-worker, mixed signals and missed chances for communication inspire a passionate email to explore what we experienced and what may come next)
Babe
I haven't had a chance to talk with you since I am on the new project, nor have I had the privacy to write you this letter since our special night together last week. I think you know how much it meant to me, and as I told you, I am not avoiding you at all. Don't even think that. This was a huge and emotional experience for both of us, and I haven't had the chance to really share with you about it ...and since we can't find the time on the phone or, what would be the best, in person, I am going to write a few things ...unfiltered so you know I will tell you what I really think (don't I always.) I sense you are at the very least confused, if not mad at me, and all that is my fault for not being able to communicate my feelings. So let me say first before I write all that I want to write is that ...listen closely ...I love you more than ever. I want our friendship to deepen ..and I want you to know I HOPE you want to return to the bedroom with me to make love again and again and again. I will never stop being your friend, and if you need some space ...if you need to say to me that making love is not something we are going to do again, I will understand, I will cry, and I will go on. But, I don't think you will say that ...and I need to write this to tell you how I feel.
Part of what I want to write to you is about me ...so I think you know I have been keeping the big "lesbian" me secret from you in all of our friendship, let me explain some of that to you so that first maybe you can understand me, so then we can understand "us." You told me that you had no idea I was bisexual (or gay) ...which I understand ...I KNOW that I tried to hint at it at least a dozen times and fell over myself trying to let you know the last several months that I was attracted to you as more than a friend. I never tried to be your "boss" at work ..I tried to be a mentor ..and I know when we are on the next project together we will be good together like that again. I hope that my being a lesbian is something you can deal with ...and something you accept no matter what. And of course, something I NEED you to keep secret.
The first thing I have been thinking about ALOT and wanting to talk to you about is about how you are holding up and I am of course wondering what is going on in your mind and how you are processing what happened between us. We know there was incredibly intense sex ..and there were beautiful orgasmic moments for both of us ...but there was also so much tenderness, trust, and I felt a true sharing of affection between us. That closeness we felt that night is one of the reasons why this distance between us this week is so hard. I could tell that night when we made love that you were needing me to lead the way and ...maybe you can tell me more how you felt, but I wouldnt be surprised if you said bewildered ..and even scared. I tried sooooo hard to make you understand how much I care for you and that making love with you is an extension of that, NOT an intrusion on it. Yes, we knew our friendship would change in a way that it would not be possible to go back to the way it was...and I pray that you don't want to, but since we haven't talked, I don't really know. I had confidence that our frienship was strong enough to survive the big shift from being friends to being lovers, or I woudlnt have led us down that path. I can sense your fear of this major change ...I can sense you not knowing what to do next, and I am sure you feel that from me too. I think it's possible that we are both feeling some of the same things, so I want to write this letter, and give you something to think about, and let you know for certain how much I truly loved what has happened between us and what I hope and pray will happen many more times again.
I know we talked about it a little, but a first lesbian experience for me, when it finally happened, was the culmination of about 6 years of hoping it would happen, and with the woman it finally happened with, the culmination of about 6 months of hoping and wishing and flirting and planning for it to happen with her specifically. I think for YOU , I am pretty sure it has all come about alot more quickly. I knew I was bisexual for sooooo long before finally making love to a woman ....you had a week between when I confessed to you and we made out and made our date, and then, the powerful, intimate, overwhelming and multi orgasmic experience we shared has probably shaken your world a bit. Go ahead and ask alllll the questions ...am I gay, or bi, or was it a curious experience and nothing more. Is there love or was it just sex ...what did I feel and what do I want ..ask all those things baby ...I want to be here for you...I want to know every thought inside your mind. Know I have been there too.
You see, I was never confused about the sexuality of my lesbianism. If anything, I was confused about the aspect that just when it was sinking in that these boys that liked me and, in some cases, that I liked too, that these boys (and men) wanted to feel under my skirt, squeeze my budding breasts, and of course, wanted me to do things with their penis, exposed to me was the possibility of doing more and better things with girls (and women.) I have a very clear recollection of having no hesitations or questions in my mind that I was at the very least, bisexual. I think as soon as I realized just what it was that women did with each other sexually, even though everyone I knew made a joke or thought it was gross, and even though it was considered immoral, there was no question whatsoever in my mind that although I wasnt sure about emotional attachment to another girl or a woman, the sexual aspect of it was something that if the right girl had come along, I was ready as ever for. So, through my teens, while doing the normal thing of dating boys, having sex with boys and ..well...just going along with program as it was, I was seeking out information about lesbians, dialogue about lesbians, images of lesbians, and eventually lesbian erotica. (nice girls don't say porn LOL) Even though I only came out to one girl between the age of 12 when I knew I was bi, and 18 when it finally happened for real, at least I had some things like my vivid imagination late at night when I rarely if ever masturbated thinking about men or boys ....(only when the crush was very strong.) In most instances, I was thinking about just how to move from acquaintance, to friendship, to the bed ....and if I could get my desired crushes there, oh, the million things I would do to pleasure them. But it was torture ..as in some ways it still is, to be such a closet lesbian. To have only made one bonafide pass at a girl in those years, and to be so roundly rejected, is something that still stings to this day, even though its some 15 years after the fact. I still see her around to this day and she still looks at me with discomfort, if not disgust. God I hope that never happens to you and me.
I want you to know that since we made love In have not stopped thinking about you for a second. Actually, I was thinking about you to the point of obsession before we made out, but since then, girl, I can hardly tell you how the thoughts of you are so strong and vivid. Now that I actually don't have to imagine or dream what its like to have your nipples stiffen between my lips, to know the shudder of your first orgasm and then the next and the next while I held your hips and thighs and rode your waves with my mouth and tongue never letting your gushing lips and clit slip away from my concentrated determination to know every ounce of the most pleasure a woman can know. While we made love your inhibitions melted into my mouth in the kisses you gave me, the way you responded when I sucked on your tongue, and loudness and earnestness of each moan and whimper and scream while you clutched me with every limb (as well as the walls of your vagina around my fingers so deep inside you) . Marcia, while you gave me the gift of letting me do to you what I know you knew I would do ...what I know you realized before we ever climbed into bed and pressed our bodies so close ....the pleasure that a woman knows to give another woman as I gave you with my lips, tongue, fully involved and committed passion....it was one particular moment that I have been playing over and over and over in my mind since that night. It was when you so lovingly and gently began to go down on me ...learning me...earning my caresses and encouraging sighs and the things I told you about how good it was ....I know how you were at first hesitant to fully just "do it." And so you know I was scared ..even dizzy at what would happen when i started the kind of convulsing I had no way to warn you about. I didn't want to say, "hey ...watch ou t cause I get pretty violent when someone goes down on me good," because frankly, I have made love with women who just didn't do that for me. What if I gave you anticipation for that and it didn't come, pardon the pun. But when I felt it welling up, and told you, "here it comes baby," the moment I play over and over and over in my mind is when I knew tha I had my wet gush, you moaned deeply into my pussy, muffled by both the way your mouth was clamped onto me and sucking me so good, and mixed in by my louder expressions you elicited. It was that deeeeeeep moan when I gushed that has me both so very excited and also nervous about what you REALLY think. Because, I think, and I might be wrong, but I think that when it went from something you were doing as a technique in the incredible way I could not believe how good you were giving me your mouth, it was when I drenched you, (I was going to write splash but I thought I should restrain myself with the words) that we kind of arrived at a different level and it is that moment that I am not quite sure if we arrived together or in a separate place. I know you were trying to make me come again, and babe, that one was all I could do ..but it was sooooo sooooo much ...so powerful, and it meant so much more to me than just an orgasm. Baby, I can have an orgasm without anyone and damn good ones...it was the connection we had. It was a complete drain of all that you literally sucked out of me ..and not just the 15 minutes you were doing me that way, but a culmination of my love for you that had been building ...in fact, that very orgams had been building for as long as I knew you. That muffled moan to you may have been just something that happens in sex ...but to me, it just seems to have taken on more of a meaning. I could laugh and say it was the moment when it was like, "marcia..meet my pussy," but more deeply, it was when our souls perhaps merged ...or not, if its something you didn't feel. I want you to write me and tell me how you felt about that moment and whatever you thought of things as well. I know it felt some things came easily to you ...I sensed a couple of times you were in a "get it over with" mode, but I never sensed it was because you didnt want or enjoy what we were doing, just that the anticipation had been probably exhausting for us both.
So now we have finally made love ...and I hope this is something that we dont let go of ...I NEVER intended this to be a one time thing, and I told you that. Almost all we did came very naturally to me, because making love to someone I care so much for just feels right. Marcia, I would not be honest if I wrote here that I don't want to change your life. Fact is, I do. I want you knowing how much I want ever ounce of your pleasure ....tha there are a million ways I might be thinking of how to do that ...and we only explored a few the other night. Making love to you is not, for me, about feeling your deep kiss and your tongue in my mouth, sucking your boobs, eating your pussy and licking each other to orgasm. Sex for me is nothing at all about the orgasms ...its about truly making love. I wonderi if its that aspect that gives me wonder to believe you are a bit afraid. Yes, for a couple of hours it was very deep and intense between us, and gawd I hope we go there together in the exact same way, or a million different ways again. I have tried to tell you that I am not a strap one on and pump you dyke ... but I also need to tell you...NEED to tell you, that I am ready to find out whatever it is you want and need from me when we make love. You have never known someone more committed to you the way I intend to be with you in bed if we ever have that chance. Yes, I know that my experience leads us both to believe that I am to assume the lead down this path, but it is never about what I DO TO YOU, it is about WHAT WE DO TOGETHER, and that fully includes you, as it did last week when we shared our soul. There are things we can do that we havent done ...and that I want to do, but at the core of my continuing fantasy for you is just laying against you, my hand down on you, fingers inside and upon your throbbing clit while I suck and lick one nipple to the other, gently nibbling your nipples and massaging your wonderful breasts I sooooo love to admire and make love to, (gawd girl please KNOW how much I love your tits ---sorry if that sounds crass..really sorry about how it sounds but its just the truth!) Baby, I just want to lay there and feel your wetness and love your boobs all night except that it would become not nearly enough because I would be so hungry to devour your pussy again ...spreading your lips and admiring you so much there in every way ...finding the slow licks that cause your hips to rise against me again, and "amazing" you again, as you said, with the speed of my middle and forefinger while my thumb rotated in your slit (see, all that guitar practice was good for something) ...knowing the clutch of your fingers in my hair right before your explosion, and the warmth of your wetness on my cheeks and the beautiful sounds you make when I bring you there. I want to do more with you too, as I've been dreaming of holding you and kissing you while griding against you in some way we can find comfortable for us both. Things were a little rushed when we made love, so know I want to admire your beauty more, drink in the sight of you I so dreamed about for so long ...I love your mind and soul and sense of humor, but I can't leave out that I truly find your beauty and your body amazing and intoxicating. I want to just look at you as the most beautiful lover I ever had and ever will, and in fact, it is your incredible good looks that kept me for so long from believing that I would ever have a chance at more than a friendship with you because I couldnt allow myself to believe I could deserve a relationship with the ONE woman every guy would cut a finger off to feel what I felt last week. You have the most incredible eyes, especially when you look deep into mine, and your hair is the softest and sweetest smelling of any I have known, Your warm, smooth skin and its milky texture (especially your breasts) has me in disbelief that such a dream come true was actually in my arms, and accepting the love of my mouth and more. There is something so delicate about the softness of your smile that has always had me hoping and beleving that our friendship would get to the point it got to last week.
And that is how I will close ...just to let you know how luck I feel that we had our once ...how MUCH I want there to be more ...and how I want you to know I am here for you in any way I can be for whatever holds next for our close and I hope getting closer bond.
Now that have a puddle under the computer chair from thinking of you, Please write back and tell me your thoughts, dreams, fears.
Love and trust,
B
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