A Vivid Lesbian Correspondence
I LOVE YOUR NOTES at akiss2desire@gmail.com
So...when I started this blog, which is really the second attempt I made at something like this, I enjoyed giving advice to some women in sharing my point of view and experience. I have been the bi married mom advice chick for quite a few very friendly and warm women. Today I am sharing with you the first of two interesting letters I got from this tremendously insightful woman who also has quite a way with words. In this first correspondence, She tells about her life and what got us to here....and you have to know that I do not get paid for this blog...my payment is the feedback I get...and THIS is a bonus payday when I get someone who shares such as this annonymous lady with a beautiful soul I will comment along the way. It is in her second letter where SHE becomes the advice giver, and I have to admit that in that letter she realllly gives me alot to think about ..I will share that on here within a week. The advice giver will be getting her wisdom !
I am writing to share with you how much I enjoy your blog, as your stories are wildly imaginative. Although there are other blogs by women who share their fantasies, what compels me most about your blog is the personal narrative you expose about your life. I fully empathize with your situation i.e. "closeted, married mom and bisexual living in the Bible Belt. My own situation at one time was somewhat similar to yours, as I lived a married closeted life with a child while serving in the military. My sexual coming of age with women occurred after I had been married for many years, but the closeted nature of my life and the danger of being outed was a life of soulless misery. Although I loved my husband, there was always some part of me that desired women even before I knew what that desire was.
We are similar ..but not exactly the same. I knew that I was bisexual at about the age of 12....didn't act on it til I was 18 in reality, but I had resolved in my mind that there was no doubt ..once I understood what bisexual was, I had no doubt that it was me. About my husband, I decided long ago that I would not write at all about what happens with us ...but just this once I will share this much. We exist more as roomates ...not to say that there is no sex...but it is really void of passion and affection on both of our parts. I can't say I am ready to be on my own because truly, staying with him has more benefits than not....that I believe if I make this major life change, it is souly because of my sexuality ...I am not yet ready to let my pussy dictate what would change in so many lives....maybe someday the story will play itself out...right now, I remain the clest married mom in the bible belt, as she indicates.
Like you, I also concocted sexually explicit visions of being with women in my fantasies. The faceless women of my dreams became so overwhelming where I felt that I could no longer survive. Nighttime and the dreams of sleep were my only solace. These dreams where where I envisioned myself being ravished by women, or where I was the ravisher. These fantasies became my only source for sexual release. I hated the morning and awakening from sleep since this meant leaving the women of my secret desires. It became a chore to just get out of bed.
My friend here articulates exactly what it feels like for me. I appreciate her way with words in expressing what is the living in two worlds experience...the real world, and the one of desires which is so nice to visit...but needs to be colored sometimes with the reality of a woman's kiss.
Emotional and sexual frustration, as you might well know, can have devastating consequences. These consequences, took a toll on my marriage because I could no longer live a lie, particularly as a fully functional and sexual wife to my husband. Fantasizing sexually about woman became the only way I could get through the sexual act with my husband. It was not fair to him or to me. I felt terrible in my emotional infidelity and later my physical infidelity; but the drive to physically be with a woman was something I could no longer ignore or control. Yes, the deception was frightening, but the risk to finally be with a woman overwhelmed the risk.
I can relate totally to this part ... whatever my husband and I do, since it includes orgasms, (mostly his), it somehow must be considered sex...but long gone frankly is the spark ...and now I can say that so distant is the memory of fantasizing about him or any other man, that I have about forgotten what a sexual crush on a man is like. It is all about women for me in my mind, if not in my day to day life.
I still remember that first time I consummated my desire. It was the most natural and physically satisfying sexual encounter I had ever had. Being with men was no comparison. Navigating the body of a woman was a flawless right of passage.
I remember how I thought and worried so much how it would be awkward or unfamiliar ..and yes it was a new thing...but once the initial butterflies settled down, still nervous of course and apt to say the dumb thing, I still realized very very quickly that it felt like I was born to be where I was.
I was ready and I instinctively knew what to do. I had envisioned that moment repeatedly in my head for so long. When the moment happened, it felt more than natural. Being in the embrace of a woman was where I was supposed to be - I knew that the touch, the feel, the smell, the sound of "Woman" beat inside my heart and consumed my mind. This could no longer be changed or denied.
I comment here that I can of course relate the the feelings she describes...but I am most impressed with her way with words. I am truly zinged when I read that !
I now live happily in the knowledge and power that my life is mine to choose. I am no longer conflicted. Although I am no longer partnered with either a man or a woman, I am happy in the resolve that I have peace and the freedom to love whomever I choose.
I could write more, but i won't as I have probably written too much already, as I am sure you have other responder comments to read. In the age of the Internet, you blog will possibly help other women who are in transition. For years I thought about openly articulating the sexual passion between women your blog expresses, but I had to work out my catharsis in other ways. Keep writing and be well.
Best
-D-
THANK you D ...and D sent me another correspondence I will soon share as well ...a little more detailed. Let me add that it meant alot to me that She shared this with me...but also was willing to share it with others on this blog. I felt less alone after reading her words ...in her next note she challenges me to deeply consider the who I am and how I am going to be who I am aspect of my life. As they say...stay tuned.
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