I guess it felt like a Lesbian Seduction . . .
Part I
She gave me a look I will never forget and I knew just what it meant, for it is the same look that I have given to the few women who flustered me so much I couldn't hide the blush and the rush of excitement they made me feel. However, not one of those women would come to know the passion I desired with them ... but as she gave me the look, as I observed her blush and transparent infatuation, it felt soooo good to be liked, wanted, desired, and I was determined from that moment on to give her the chance .... no ...give us the chance, to find passion together. How many times I wanted to just tell her, "you know I write this lesbian blog..." but ...I made up my mind about her that if anything happened...I kinda wanted to write about it ...and so I am.
There was so much about her that attracted me at first. She was one of the girls at the register in the discount store I'm in a few times every week. Her eyes more than any thing else got to me ...but also her shape. I don't know why it is that my longings trend towards women with beautiful eyes combined with breasts that are melon size are larger ...round ...and when the choice is made to wear something form fitting to, of course, most likely attract men, nto women, it is me whose knees get week and my heart goes aflutter. To say this more directly ...more crassly ...I am more than a little attracted ...in fact , very strongly lured by women with expressive eyes that meet mine when we talk, combined with large,round, weighty breasts. Cleavage isn't a neccesity if something clingy emphasizes shape, but when a woman decides to raise her breasts for all to admire, admire I will to the point of being rather obvious about it I suppose, with my mouth watering and my tingles running the length of my body. Terry had all of these qualities and you could also tell how soft her skin was without touching ....a litttle moisturizing goes a long way and I notice. Throw in a taste for cool shoes and her butterfly hairband, dramatic makeup in the daytime, and mischieviously black painted nails. I liked her glasses too ...it made her look like kind of a slightly pudgy and blonde Tina Fey type, like fun to be around and fun to look at too. She just had this LOOK that gave me that ..that feeling.
The spark that happened the first time I came through her line, when her smile and friendliness inspired my own, while I weighed how much from her was genuine and how much was because it is simply her job as customer service to be nice to me ...I determined the former to be the case....she was sweet ...and the next time I came through the store, noticed she was there, remembered the feelings she gave me and sought out her reaction. It was obvious to me that she got to me ....but she was younger ...I would later learn exactly 11 years younger than me ....and it turns out, a rather innocent country girl who had yet to live away from home ...and yet to experience as much LIFE as most 20 year olds have ...much less as much LIFE (sex life) as I had rolled over for and into by the time I was only 16. And then, when I considered this crush, there are the statistics ....just what are the odds this girl that I am now officially hot for is open to the idea of the female bond taken beyond conversation, or complimentation, or infatuation, and into the realm of an embrace, a kiss, a time of lovemaking and exploration. See, I can want that ...I have always wanted that ...I have let it be known with everything but a scream a few times in my life ...but I only once in my life "came out" to someone I cared for ...and the discouragement and frankly the pain of the rejection has scared me away from being the one who makes the move. Rather, I have spent a good deal of time and defacto rejection by using my eyes, my words and my way to encourage quite a few "Ms. Rights" to realize all I want to give. In the closet about my bisexuality, in a small community where everyone talks, where I have quite frankly alot to lose if I am branded a lesbian, and with the possibility of interenet rendesvous as a safer alternative, I have just never been the one to make a pass as they say. But it was Terry that opened the door and let me know it was ok. The second time I came through her line, she was flustered ...she stared at my cleavage long enough to burn a hole through my chest, and when we made eye contact when I complimented her nails and her shoes, I was a little too heavy on the flattery, and it was clear to me she liked it as much as I would have. With nobody in line behind me, our conversation lingered ....her smile was precious, her inability to meet my gaze for longer than a few seconds, combined with sure determination to attempt to look me in the eyes dreamily while nervously wringing her hands, or grasping and twirling her beautiful shoulder length blonde hair, lifted me towards the cloud nine experience as the voice in my head began to insinuate "she wants you...I really think she wants you to go further."
The third time I was ready to try something ...I had a plan ...and it was frankly do or die. If I felt the the way I said something or the way I came across would brand me a community sexual deviant, I would just not shop there anymore right ? I was thinknig that "today was the day" and I was building courage. But ...business as it was, I didn't have quite the one on one chance, but I may has well have been a puppy wagging its tail, and I thought she felt the same way when we saw each other. More convinced than ever that our crush was mutual, and when I threw out the brazen compliment "I've just gone out of my way to shop here today for no other reason than to see your angel eyes smile," I searched for rejection in her embarrased blush. I didn't see it. I could have waited a few days til the next time I was naturally in the store to go forth...but I was egged on by my confidence and wanted to strike while it was still so strong. So, about thirty minutes later, I re-entered the store, lingered until she wasn't busy, and picked up nothing but tic-tacs, now making more obvious that I was on the prowl. This is nothing I have ever done and then adrennaline is overwhelming, yet would not be possible if I wasnt feeling it from her.
I have read a thousand times that you just have to not be afraid of rejection...I don't fully understand what it is about my personality that is so fearful ...but understand I am trying to convey to you the mixture of lust, desire, want, fear, and addrennaline to achieve at the very least escape from embarrasment, and in the pinnacle of success, the reward of the soft kiss from Terry that I was in such desire for. "Back again, " I stated the obvious and she smiled and said it back to me. "Will this be all?" ...."This is all...but...ummm ...I wanted to say something ...or ask you ... " while my heart beats a thousand beats a minute....."this is my cellphone number...I cant take calls at night ...so if you would call me during the day ...like...away from here...I'd like to have lunch with you or something like that ...my treat...just to get to know you better...and tell you about a dream I had about you." She took the paper from my hand and stared at the number and stared then at me....tilted her head and smiled..."You want me to call you?" "Yes...so we can meet away from here...just us....if you want." "I'd like that...." DEEEP BREATH EXHALE ..its done ...she didn't shout to the store "attention...lesbian on register one....lesbian pass occuring on register one." "just anytime in the daytime ok ...and ...just can we keep this our secret ?" "yeah sure...I'll call in the next day or two ok ?" Well....I think it was overly apparent what was on the table ..at least potentially ...and I had survived this round of potential rejection...And I felt empowered to solidify my intentions ..."just please call me ...I can't begin to tell you how beautiful I think you are....I'm going to make you happy you said yes."
The next day I was wondering when or if she was going to call, and resisting the urge to go to the store and push the issue ...but I realized I was pretty far out on the town lesbian limb as it was if I wasn't careful....so I decided to wait ...but not for long when the phone rang.
"I just got in my car on the way to work....and...I just wanted to tell you Im available for a get together today when I get off about 1:30 if you want to ge together today ....tomorrow is...." I interupted .."today is great...you want me to meet you or pick up up or what .." .....we agreed I would meet her and after back and forth between what do you like to eat and whatever you wants, I asked her if she would mind meeting me at a diner about 20 minutes out of town. "I think we'd have more privacy there if you don't mind the extra drive." She agreed to meet me there, and when she arrived, her beauty amazing, with her halter neck top with an encircling cleavage hole cut in the middle of her breasts, black short skirt and strap lo heels ....and to further entice my adoration, her exposed shoulders now revealed a 3d diamond tatoo that I hadnt seen before ...never saw her soft shoulders opened for admiration. I had also never seen her hair untied and brushed out...and I felt like a kid when I realized she had dressed for the date ..for ME.
And I too had dressed for her by wearing a red silk button up blouse that fit my boobs in such a way that never failed to drop mens eyes from my own eyes to my chest. I did my makeup more for a Saturday night then a Tuesday afternoon. Before we entered the small establishment, we gave each other a warm hug and I thanked her so much for allowing me to meet her here. "Look people will talk unless we get away ...but then again, if anyone sees me here, people will talk about that too." Neither of us are saying lesbian, or really acting lesbian, but its just so understood and so comfortable ...but I still at this point, don't KNOW ..and half of what I am thinking about involves wondering what the heck SHE is thinking about all of this.
We were served in the diner by a 60ish man who probably owned the place, and he was joined in the back by a young boy cooking, and there was one occupied table which became vacant in a matter of minutes leaving us the entire place to ourselves. Just a quaint, country decorated comfort food small town place. After iced tea and salads were ordered, the small talk included as little talk about my husband and child as I could steer the conversation away from that subject, and some obligatory (I felt) confessions to get out of the way about my marriage being a bad one, my mothering being the most important thing in my life, and that pity was the last thing I wanted from anyone.I made it clear that I don't have a sex life with my husband morefor the reason that if she possibly believed I might be aiming for a threesome, that that was NOT my intention. We soon agreed that our age diffence didnt seem to matter as we just seemed to get along so well, and topics of conversation included boyfriends of the past, she had none of the present, friends who had stabbed her in the back and a leering manager where she worked, music we both liked, and reality shows we both followed. She seemed very comfortable in saying the F word about every third sentence with me. I was kind of stimulated with the way she so easily talked about F'ing this, or who wanted to F her , or why something F'ing sucked....but if it was anything,I took it as a sign she was comfortable with me . Conversation was totallly flowing and so easy ...and it was not absolutely confirmed with either of us as we ate that this was a lesbian date...but we both knew. Just again, nobody was saying it.
Entrees arrived and I just needed to get it out of the way...it needed to be clear and said.
"do uh..you want to know about this dream I had about you ?" I smiled.
"I was wondering if you were going to tell me ...nothin bad I hope?"
Oh she is smiling and flirting and knows ..SHE KNOWS we are about to turn a corner ..and I sense she wants it as much if not more than me. I am drunk with desire and anticipation ...fear seems to have slipped away for the most part.
"I should first probably tell you something, you probably already know....but...truth is ...nobody really knows what I am about to tell you ...nobody around here anyway ok ?...so ...our secret.....you know Terry, I reallly like you ok?" a
Gawd when I said that I felt so vulnerable, but looking at her, she had such a powerful combination of both inner and outer beauty ...of both toughness and innocence ...such possibility in the moment.
She laughed a nervous laugh and with a higher pitched voice than usually said through her laugh," yeah I have pretty much figured out you didn't want to ask me to babysit your son by now."
"well...maybe someday....but no...."
Her elbows leaned on the table and her thumb pushed up against her teeth as her tension showed. I reached out and grasped her forearm...and stared at her eyes until her eyes left the vacant corner they were staring at, looked downward, and then upward to meet my gaze." Even higher pitched her voice and nervous laugh..."I ...I'm not sure exactly....why ...or what we are....ummm...you know I never did anything much with a girl before ....and I'm just not sure I am ready for this. "
I gathered myself and didn't decide what to say for about 30 seconds. I was just about to speak when she beat me to it ...."I have just been wondering since yesterday....just why did you think I'm a lesbian? "
"n o no no...I DONT think you are a lesbian...I was pretty sure you weren't...you know..I am just following up on a spark between us ...I felt something and I thought you felt it too."
"ok" ...resignation in her voice.
"I promise I'm not trying to get you to do something you don't want.... don't act like I know what I am doing either ...I never came on to a woman like this before in my life...I mean...Its pretty complicated but I don't think I understand a whole lot more than just that I wanted to get to know you better and see what might happen ....I mean ...yeah....we can end up having fun ...I won't deny I want more than just a friendship ...things are happening pretty fast ....I don't mean to scare you cause...I mean...I'm sure of what I want..... and I wouldnt be surprised if you are confused a little."
"yep...I am alot confused but ...this isn't the first time I have thought about this...I just keep thinking I'm NOT afraid of anything ya know, and then I think I don't know what the F I'm doing here with you. And then I think I can't believe ..I mean....maybe I've wanted something like this to happen for a long time?"
"Me too" I say softly.
pretty long silence....confessions are starting to flow.
As if I needed to sell it, I said, "I know you aren't sure....I know you might be afraid .... but you are so beautiful and ...nothing needs to be decided today ...I'm married and I can't do a permanant thing...but ...I like you alot more than you can understand ok ?" Her eyes accepted that. "This is about alot more than just having sex ....its alot deeper ...alot more spiritual and whatever happens...if anything does ....can just be about ...well....how about if I say it this way ....Terry ...I want to show you intimacy like you never imagined."
"You've done it with girls before right ?"
"a few times ...not alot ...and its been a long time."
"Well everyone says its better with another woman ...I mean..the sex...but I'm sure I wouldn't know what the F to do."
"You won't have to do anything but what you feel and what you want. ...let me put it this way....and we don't have to talk about sex ...or we can talk about it as much as you want ..but let me say this. This is NOT about making me come, it's not about making you come ....its about how everything feels when its just us too if we have a chance to be alone...and its no pressure....nobody has to decide anything now ok ? I promise I just want to get to know you cause you are great....and anything else that comes of this is just icing on the cake. YOU DONT have to decide anything now." I emphasized. "I just want to hang out with the coolest girl I met in a long time." I'm backpeddling after coming on so strong, and frankly ...I guess this is what "seduction" is all about , because I am being totally honest with her with every word I speak ...but I also know I want this so bad, I am about willing to say anything to feel her against me. Her eyes and skin and hair and beautiful breasts beckon me ..and her resistance, I wonder, is but a different manifestation of the same front I put up everyday of my existance ...a "don't peg me as a lesbian, but you know I really want to do this." And of course, I am encouraged that at no time in our honesty has she told me to go F myself ..which I believe she absolutely would have if she didn't have a want to play this out.
The next move was hers ...She reached then to hold my hand that had been stroking her forearm. "JUst...just ...just give me some time ....I'm trying to tell you not to give up ....I just don't know how to do this."
I told her that I knew I was bisexual from the time I was 12 ...and didn't have a lover girlfriend til I was 19. I didn't know if I should talk too much about it, or if it was the right place or time, so I kept it light and non-descriptive. SHe told me she had been fantasizing about girls for years ...and knew that was normal, but told me in so many words that she thought she might not ever do anything with a woman. "I never thought I'd be sitting here talking with someone like you about this ..and here I am."
"And here we are," I replied. "and now what."
"Thats just it...I don't know."
"Well lets figure it out together then. Tell me, if you have ...ever had any dreams or fantasies about girls?"
"Yes of course....everybody does...and I kissed a girl a long time ago in a truth or dare game...but it was not a big sex scene!" she laughed. "I actually used to think about Avril Lavigne a little bit ...and one of my friends said that she wouldn't have to be a lesbian to make out with Faith Hill cause she was so hot, and that got me thinking about her one night...pretty hot and heavy."
"Pretty hot and heavy ?" I inquired, " like...masturbating ...or were you actually WITH Faith Hill and you're just not telling me," I smiled. "Mine was that girl...what's her name...Natalie! from the Dixie Chicks.... I had it bad for her...still have it for her if you want to know the truth ...she and I could be good friends....REAL good friends!"
And so we continued to talk about slightly sexual things long after the meal was devoured and in more leaned in and hushed tones when others came into the diner and our privacy was thwarted. She volunteered a few instances of sexual trysts with boys that were unfullfilling, which I believed to be her attempt to justify, in her mind, the hookup and relationship we were in the midst of developing.
We were getting ready to get up and pay the bill and go our seperate ways for the afternoon that I never wanted to end ...and did not have a clue how to end. I came right out and said to her " I am dying to kiss you before we head out ...but I have no idea how to ...or where ?"
She blushed, thought, and said "the bathroom?"
"ehhhhhh no. Not there...We may have to just save that for the next time.....if there's gonna be a next time ...I mean... I HOPE you want to hang out again."
Then she was as forward as she had been all day when she said, " Can I ask you a very personal question ? " I nodded. "Does all this make you wet ? ...just talking about this ? " I smiled and nodded again...a bit shocked ....but knew she was about to confess. "I am ...lets just say very damp."
"I know..makes two of us." z
Outside the diner in the parking lot we hung out by her car and talked a bit more. We exchanged emails and agreed to catch up. "I just have to let you know," she said, "that you gave me ALOT to think about today....it may take a couple of days to ...you know...process all this....but I like you ok?"
I tenderly touched her soft cheek and gave her a friendly kiss on it. I backed off and we looked into each others eyes, both knowing that it was not enough. I looked around and determined nobody was watching...and landed a soft kiss upon her lips...she accepted...gave me just a hint of her tongue, as I responded with mine, and then when the kiss was broken, I looked in her eyes and knew that soon I would claim more than a kiss from my inexperienced new soon to be lover.
"So thats what I've been missing?" she smiled.
"Oh there's more ...trust me and we have alot to find out together." I am stating the obvious ...I told her I did not want the day to end...we'd call...we hugged tightly....it was a nice preview of what was to come.
End of Part I
Part I
She gave me a look I will never forget and I knew just what it meant, for it is the same look that I have given to the few women who flustered me so much I couldn't hide the blush and the rush of excitement they made me feel. However, not one of those women would come to know the passion I desired with them ... but as she gave me the look, as I observed her blush and transparent infatuation, it felt soooo good to be liked, wanted, desired, and I was determined from that moment on to give her the chance .... no ...give us the chance, to find passion together. How many times I wanted to just tell her, "you know I write this lesbian blog..." but ...I made up my mind about her that if anything happened...I kinda wanted to write about it ...and so I am.
There was so much about her that attracted me at first. She was one of the girls at the register in the discount store I'm in a few times every week. Her eyes more than any thing else got to me ...but also her shape. I don't know why it is that my longings trend towards women with beautiful eyes combined with breasts that are melon size are larger ...round ...and when the choice is made to wear something form fitting to, of course, most likely attract men, nto women, it is me whose knees get week and my heart goes aflutter. To say this more directly ...more crassly ...I am more than a little attracted ...in fact , very strongly lured by women with expressive eyes that meet mine when we talk, combined with large,round, weighty breasts. Cleavage isn't a neccesity if something clingy emphasizes shape, but when a woman decides to raise her breasts for all to admire, admire I will to the point of being rather obvious about it I suppose, with my mouth watering and my tingles running the length of my body. Terry had all of these qualities and you could also tell how soft her skin was without touching ....a litttle moisturizing goes a long way and I notice. Throw in a taste for cool shoes and her butterfly hairband, dramatic makeup in the daytime, and mischieviously black painted nails. I liked her glasses too ...it made her look like kind of a slightly pudgy and blonde Tina Fey type, like fun to be around and fun to look at too. She just had this LOOK that gave me that ..that feeling.
The spark that happened the first time I came through her line, when her smile and friendliness inspired my own, while I weighed how much from her was genuine and how much was because it is simply her job as customer service to be nice to me ...I determined the former to be the case....she was sweet ...and the next time I came through the store, noticed she was there, remembered the feelings she gave me and sought out her reaction. It was obvious to me that she got to me ....but she was younger ...I would later learn exactly 11 years younger than me ....and it turns out, a rather innocent country girl who had yet to live away from home ...and yet to experience as much LIFE as most 20 year olds have ...much less as much LIFE (sex life) as I had rolled over for and into by the time I was only 16. And then, when I considered this crush, there are the statistics ....just what are the odds this girl that I am now officially hot for is open to the idea of the female bond taken beyond conversation, or complimentation, or infatuation, and into the realm of an embrace, a kiss, a time of lovemaking and exploration. See, I can want that ...I have always wanted that ...I have let it be known with everything but a scream a few times in my life ...but I only once in my life "came out" to someone I cared for ...and the discouragement and frankly the pain of the rejection has scared me away from being the one who makes the move. Rather, I have spent a good deal of time and defacto rejection by using my eyes, my words and my way to encourage quite a few "Ms. Rights" to realize all I want to give. In the closet about my bisexuality, in a small community where everyone talks, where I have quite frankly alot to lose if I am branded a lesbian, and with the possibility of interenet rendesvous as a safer alternative, I have just never been the one to make a pass as they say. But it was Terry that opened the door and let me know it was ok. The second time I came through her line, she was flustered ...she stared at my cleavage long enough to burn a hole through my chest, and when we made eye contact when I complimented her nails and her shoes, I was a little too heavy on the flattery, and it was clear to me she liked it as much as I would have. With nobody in line behind me, our conversation lingered ....her smile was precious, her inability to meet my gaze for longer than a few seconds, combined with sure determination to attempt to look me in the eyes dreamily while nervously wringing her hands, or grasping and twirling her beautiful shoulder length blonde hair, lifted me towards the cloud nine experience as the voice in my head began to insinuate "she wants you...I really think she wants you to go further."
The third time I was ready to try something ...I had a plan ...and it was frankly do or die. If I felt the the way I said something or the way I came across would brand me a community sexual deviant, I would just not shop there anymore right ? I was thinknig that "today was the day" and I was building courage. But ...business as it was, I didn't have quite the one on one chance, but I may has well have been a puppy wagging its tail, and I thought she felt the same way when we saw each other. More convinced than ever that our crush was mutual, and when I threw out the brazen compliment "I've just gone out of my way to shop here today for no other reason than to see your angel eyes smile," I searched for rejection in her embarrased blush. I didn't see it. I could have waited a few days til the next time I was naturally in the store to go forth...but I was egged on by my confidence and wanted to strike while it was still so strong. So, about thirty minutes later, I re-entered the store, lingered until she wasn't busy, and picked up nothing but tic-tacs, now making more obvious that I was on the prowl. This is nothing I have ever done and then adrennaline is overwhelming, yet would not be possible if I wasnt feeling it from her.
I have read a thousand times that you just have to not be afraid of rejection...I don't fully understand what it is about my personality that is so fearful ...but understand I am trying to convey to you the mixture of lust, desire, want, fear, and addrennaline to achieve at the very least escape from embarrasment, and in the pinnacle of success, the reward of the soft kiss from Terry that I was in such desire for. "Back again, " I stated the obvious and she smiled and said it back to me. "Will this be all?" ...."This is all...but...ummm ...I wanted to say something ...or ask you ... " while my heart beats a thousand beats a minute....."this is my cellphone number...I cant take calls at night ...so if you would call me during the day ...like...away from here...I'd like to have lunch with you or something like that ...my treat...just to get to know you better...and tell you about a dream I had about you." She took the paper from my hand and stared at the number and stared then at me....tilted her head and smiled..."You want me to call you?" "Yes...so we can meet away from here...just us....if you want." "I'd like that...." DEEEP BREATH EXHALE ..its done ...she didn't shout to the store "attention...lesbian on register one....lesbian pass occuring on register one." "just anytime in the daytime ok ...and ...just can we keep this our secret ?" "yeah sure...I'll call in the next day or two ok ?" Well....I think it was overly apparent what was on the table ..at least potentially ...and I had survived this round of potential rejection...And I felt empowered to solidify my intentions ..."just please call me ...I can't begin to tell you how beautiful I think you are....I'm going to make you happy you said yes."
The next day I was wondering when or if she was going to call, and resisting the urge to go to the store and push the issue ...but I realized I was pretty far out on the town lesbian limb as it was if I wasn't careful....so I decided to wait ...but not for long when the phone rang.
"I just got in my car on the way to work....and...I just wanted to tell you Im available for a get together today when I get off about 1:30 if you want to ge together today ....tomorrow is...." I interupted .."today is great...you want me to meet you or pick up up or what .." .....we agreed I would meet her and after back and forth between what do you like to eat and whatever you wants, I asked her if she would mind meeting me at a diner about 20 minutes out of town. "I think we'd have more privacy there if you don't mind the extra drive." She agreed to meet me there, and when she arrived, her beauty amazing, with her halter neck top with an encircling cleavage hole cut in the middle of her breasts, black short skirt and strap lo heels ....and to further entice my adoration, her exposed shoulders now revealed a 3d diamond tatoo that I hadnt seen before ...never saw her soft shoulders opened for admiration. I had also never seen her hair untied and brushed out...and I felt like a kid when I realized she had dressed for the date ..for ME.
And I too had dressed for her by wearing a red silk button up blouse that fit my boobs in such a way that never failed to drop mens eyes from my own eyes to my chest. I did my makeup more for a Saturday night then a Tuesday afternoon. Before we entered the small establishment, we gave each other a warm hug and I thanked her so much for allowing me to meet her here. "Look people will talk unless we get away ...but then again, if anyone sees me here, people will talk about that too." Neither of us are saying lesbian, or really acting lesbian, but its just so understood and so comfortable ...but I still at this point, don't KNOW ..and half of what I am thinking about involves wondering what the heck SHE is thinking about all of this.
We were served in the diner by a 60ish man who probably owned the place, and he was joined in the back by a young boy cooking, and there was one occupied table which became vacant in a matter of minutes leaving us the entire place to ourselves. Just a quaint, country decorated comfort food small town place. After iced tea and salads were ordered, the small talk included as little talk about my husband and child as I could steer the conversation away from that subject, and some obligatory (I felt) confessions to get out of the way about my marriage being a bad one, my mothering being the most important thing in my life, and that pity was the last thing I wanted from anyone.I made it clear that I don't have a sex life with my husband morefor the reason that if she possibly believed I might be aiming for a threesome, that that was NOT my intention. We soon agreed that our age diffence didnt seem to matter as we just seemed to get along so well, and topics of conversation included boyfriends of the past, she had none of the present, friends who had stabbed her in the back and a leering manager where she worked, music we both liked, and reality shows we both followed. She seemed very comfortable in saying the F word about every third sentence with me. I was kind of stimulated with the way she so easily talked about F'ing this, or who wanted to F her , or why something F'ing sucked....but if it was anything,I took it as a sign she was comfortable with me . Conversation was totallly flowing and so easy ...and it was not absolutely confirmed with either of us as we ate that this was a lesbian date...but we both knew. Just again, nobody was saying it.
Entrees arrived and I just needed to get it out of the way...it needed to be clear and said.
"do uh..you want to know about this dream I had about you ?" I smiled.
"I was wondering if you were going to tell me ...nothin bad I hope?"
Oh she is smiling and flirting and knows ..SHE KNOWS we are about to turn a corner ..and I sense she wants it as much if not more than me. I am drunk with desire and anticipation ...fear seems to have slipped away for the most part.
"I should first probably tell you something, you probably already know....but...truth is ...nobody really knows what I am about to tell you ...nobody around here anyway ok ?...so ...our secret.....you know Terry, I reallly like you ok?" a
Gawd when I said that I felt so vulnerable, but looking at her, she had such a powerful combination of both inner and outer beauty ...of both toughness and innocence ...such possibility in the moment.
She laughed a nervous laugh and with a higher pitched voice than usually said through her laugh," yeah I have pretty much figured out you didn't want to ask me to babysit your son by now."
"well...maybe someday....but no...."
Her elbows leaned on the table and her thumb pushed up against her teeth as her tension showed. I reached out and grasped her forearm...and stared at her eyes until her eyes left the vacant corner they were staring at, looked downward, and then upward to meet my gaze." Even higher pitched her voice and nervous laugh..."I ...I'm not sure exactly....why ...or what we are....ummm...you know I never did anything much with a girl before ....and I'm just not sure I am ready for this. "
I gathered myself and didn't decide what to say for about 30 seconds. I was just about to speak when she beat me to it ...."I have just been wondering since yesterday....just why did you think I'm a lesbian? "
"n o no no...I DONT think you are a lesbian...I was pretty sure you weren't...you know..I am just following up on a spark between us ...I felt something and I thought you felt it too."
"ok" ...resignation in her voice.
"I promise I'm not trying to get you to do something you don't want.... don't act like I know what I am doing either ...I never came on to a woman like this before in my life...I mean...Its pretty complicated but I don't think I understand a whole lot more than just that I wanted to get to know you better and see what might happen ....I mean ...yeah....we can end up having fun ...I won't deny I want more than just a friendship ...things are happening pretty fast ....I don't mean to scare you cause...I mean...I'm sure of what I want..... and I wouldnt be surprised if you are confused a little."
"yep...I am alot confused but ...this isn't the first time I have thought about this...I just keep thinking I'm NOT afraid of anything ya know, and then I think I don't know what the F I'm doing here with you. And then I think I can't believe ..I mean....maybe I've wanted something like this to happen for a long time?"
"Me too" I say softly.
pretty long silence....confessions are starting to flow.
As if I needed to sell it, I said, "I know you aren't sure....I know you might be afraid .... but you are so beautiful and ...nothing needs to be decided today ...I'm married and I can't do a permanant thing...but ...I like you alot more than you can understand ok ?" Her eyes accepted that. "This is about alot more than just having sex ....its alot deeper ...alot more spiritual and whatever happens...if anything does ....can just be about ...well....how about if I say it this way ....Terry ...I want to show you intimacy like you never imagined."
"You've done it with girls before right ?"
"a few times ...not alot ...and its been a long time."
"Well everyone says its better with another woman ...I mean..the sex...but I'm sure I wouldn't know what the F to do."
"You won't have to do anything but what you feel and what you want. ...let me put it this way....and we don't have to talk about sex ...or we can talk about it as much as you want ..but let me say this. This is NOT about making me come, it's not about making you come ....its about how everything feels when its just us too if we have a chance to be alone...and its no pressure....nobody has to decide anything now ok ? I promise I just want to get to know you cause you are great....and anything else that comes of this is just icing on the cake. YOU DONT have to decide anything now." I emphasized. "I just want to hang out with the coolest girl I met in a long time." I'm backpeddling after coming on so strong, and frankly ...I guess this is what "seduction" is all about , because I am being totally honest with her with every word I speak ...but I also know I want this so bad, I am about willing to say anything to feel her against me. Her eyes and skin and hair and beautiful breasts beckon me ..and her resistance, I wonder, is but a different manifestation of the same front I put up everyday of my existance ...a "don't peg me as a lesbian, but you know I really want to do this." And of course, I am encouraged that at no time in our honesty has she told me to go F myself ..which I believe she absolutely would have if she didn't have a want to play this out.
The next move was hers ...She reached then to hold my hand that had been stroking her forearm. "JUst...just ...just give me some time ....I'm trying to tell you not to give up ....I just don't know how to do this."
I told her that I knew I was bisexual from the time I was 12 ...and didn't have a lover girlfriend til I was 19. I didn't know if I should talk too much about it, or if it was the right place or time, so I kept it light and non-descriptive. SHe told me she had been fantasizing about girls for years ...and knew that was normal, but told me in so many words that she thought she might not ever do anything with a woman. "I never thought I'd be sitting here talking with someone like you about this ..and here I am."
"And here we are," I replied. "and now what."
"Thats just it...I don't know."
"Well lets figure it out together then. Tell me, if you have ...ever had any dreams or fantasies about girls?"
"Yes of course....everybody does...and I kissed a girl a long time ago in a truth or dare game...but it was not a big sex scene!" she laughed. "I actually used to think about Avril Lavigne a little bit ...and one of my friends said that she wouldn't have to be a lesbian to make out with Faith Hill cause she was so hot, and that got me thinking about her one night...pretty hot and heavy."
"Pretty hot and heavy ?" I inquired, " like...masturbating ...or were you actually WITH Faith Hill and you're just not telling me," I smiled. "Mine was that girl...what's her name...Natalie! from the Dixie Chicks.... I had it bad for her...still have it for her if you want to know the truth ...she and I could be good friends....REAL good friends!"
And so we continued to talk about slightly sexual things long after the meal was devoured and in more leaned in and hushed tones when others came into the diner and our privacy was thwarted. She volunteered a few instances of sexual trysts with boys that were unfullfilling, which I believed to be her attempt to justify, in her mind, the hookup and relationship we were in the midst of developing.
We were getting ready to get up and pay the bill and go our seperate ways for the afternoon that I never wanted to end ...and did not have a clue how to end. I came right out and said to her " I am dying to kiss you before we head out ...but I have no idea how to ...or where ?"
She blushed, thought, and said "the bathroom?"
"ehhhhhh no. Not there...We may have to just save that for the next time.....if there's gonna be a next time ...I mean... I HOPE you want to hang out again."
Then she was as forward as she had been all day when she said, " Can I ask you a very personal question ? " I nodded. "Does all this make you wet ? ...just talking about this ? " I smiled and nodded again...a bit shocked ....but knew she was about to confess. "I am ...lets just say very damp."
"I know..makes two of us." z
Outside the diner in the parking lot we hung out by her car and talked a bit more. We exchanged emails and agreed to catch up. "I just have to let you know," she said, "that you gave me ALOT to think about today....it may take a couple of days to ...you know...process all this....but I like you ok?"
I tenderly touched her soft cheek and gave her a friendly kiss on it. I backed off and we looked into each others eyes, both knowing that it was not enough. I looked around and determined nobody was watching...and landed a soft kiss upon her lips...she accepted...gave me just a hint of her tongue, as I responded with mine, and then when the kiss was broken, I looked in her eyes and knew that soon I would claim more than a kiss from my inexperienced new soon to be lover.
"So thats what I've been missing?" she smiled.
"Oh there's more ...trust me and we have alot to find out together." I am stating the obvious ...I told her I did not want the day to end...we'd call...we hugged tightly....it was a nice preview of what was to come.
End of Part I
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