Q & A for akiss2desire

Well I promised on facebook, where I have been posting some things just for those who are on there with me, including a lesbian kiss image compilation today, that I would answer your questions on Friday and so here I am  to do that.  I honestly didn't get quite the response I thought I would ...keeps my ego in check.  Perhaps having "fans" isn't the same as really having fans.  I am  just a lesbian erotica blogger for goodness sakes. But a couple of questions happened and I really do want to open up  and let you get to know me a little.

Do you fuck on the first date ?

uhh..yes...I think that by the time I meet wiht someone the feelings are already pretty much in place and there just doesnt seem to be much to be gained by pretending that it isnt about sex if there is mutual attaction.

When are you going to post a picture of yourself ?

I am getting to it ..I am not a total mystery but am not ready to add my image to the site yet ..I want you to be turned on  ! ! ! (dont want to scare you away )
My friends and lovers say I have nice eyes , Large bust by nature of being bbw, and I like to laugh and have fun. That , I hope, is a good description of what you'd see.  


You write this and have lesbian affairs but you are still married ?

Yes.  My marital relationship is complicated and bluntly he is not a part of this at all and although I am taking a few more chances in my life, I have been blessed by being able to keep my bedroom desires very discreet in a small town.

How can you be lesbian if you are married to a man ?
 Another way of asking the previous question.  In the last couple of years I have become more "lesbian" on the spectrum if there must be a label.  While I have had some wonderful experience with both younger women and older women ..I havent found the true connection for anything more than the fleeting moments of orgasmic sex ...which is well-- is wonderful of course ...but  I am a giver in search of an appreciater. And the only sexual relationship I am interested in is with women.  I think that defines me as lesbian.

Are you dom or sub ?
Well, I am a giver ..my strongest desire in bed is to give my lover what she wants, needs, and dsires completely ..and I know that sometimes what I am giving her is ME in the throes of desire, so that doesn't always mean I am giving oral ..sometimes "giving" means receiving what she wants to give.   That doesn't mean I am dom or sub ..I am just me. And I continue to look for "her" who most compliments what I am.

Are your stories real ?
I always say that they are a mixture of reality and fantasy but I have written some true stories that are to the true to the bone.  If I only wrote what actually happened, this would be a short blog with not too many entries...I always tell women I meet on chat that I have made love a million times in a million differnt ways to a million different women.  THAT is not true ..but it is in my mind.

What is your favorite lesbian fantasy that you havent yet written about?

Ok ...I am not a kinky girl ..but I have to tell you that the story that was in the news lately about the two lesbian teachers going at it while the whole school was at assembly intrigued me.  I love the idea of locking a door, and acting upon passion.  I think about it alot ...For reasons I won't go into here I have been in a few hospital rooms and often think if I said just the right thing to the right nurse, she would have a place in that hospital we could get away.

I have also had a work in progress for more than  a year that I cant seem to finish.  It's called "The Slumber Party" and you might understand what its about.  It turns out, sooooo many women had their first experience at a slumber party, and I guess I just feel like I missed out, so I want to write my fantasy into existence.

Do you enjoy BSDM?
It has nto been what I feel and see myself as..but if I really care for someone and thats what she needs, I could go there.  I probably would need to hold the whip LOL

Dear akiss2desire
Your site is great for all of your stories, but the images you have are the hottest lesbian kissing scenes I have found anywhere.  Where do you get your pictures ? Are you in any of them >?

First of all, no I am not in any of them, but I WISH.  I am always looking for the right feeling in the images for this blog.  The images have to compliment my writing.  Almost always the images are safe for work ...very few actual boob shots, although a couple of times it was needed to show more skin to illustrate the writing.  I look at quite a few lesbian vids and many are vidcaps of the erotic moments in those.

You're sexy.  What is your favorite lingerie?
THANKS first of all, and secondly, I have a lacy baby blue underwire padded bra with very dramatic lift that makes me feel young again and helps a mid 30s mom with gravity , and a matching lacy skirtered garter.  Neither has been on a date yet :)

Does your dad own a brewery ?
I told you I would answer anything, so ..you asked.   No. What ???

I remember you saying you were going to write a book...any luck getting published yet ? 
I have been roundly and soundly rejected in my goal to get published, with the constructive criticism that stings a bit and says to me "you aren't yet good enough."   I think my goal in 2010 is to win an award for the blog, get as many facebook fans for this blog as I can,  and turn the best posts into a short story compilation for kindle or sony reader.  I know you see ads on this site, but I have never made a nickel on this blog (yet).  I have privacy reasons that I can't commercialize this more...but thats not my main concern.  In fact, most of the time I spent putting ads on here was wasted time, because truth is, if I made a million dollars or if I make nothing, I can't help but write what comes out of me. I will say there is a thing where it says FEEL IT and if women sign up for IFEELMYSELF.com from that link, I get a free month. I will say that the women masturbating and making love on that site are the hottest thing to ever lite up my screen, and I like getting those free months when it happens. And it would be nice to someday be published, not only to make a dollar or two, but to know I was getting my writing in the minds of more women.

Someone recently asked me on a chat if I got off knowing that women get off reading what I wrote.  The short answer is yes. My favorite days are when I get a personal email from someone, and a few women who have written me over the years have become, I hope, longtime friends.   WRITE ME at akiss2desire@gmail.com  and thrill me if you want to.  And if you have a better question than these, I will be glad to respond.

MUCH LOVE TO LONGTIME READERS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

akiss2desire

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Lesbian Masturbation Monologue for the Horny Bi Mom

 I let my fingers slip down over my belly and down to my mound, and when I squeeze the lips together and roll them back and forth between my thumb and index finger, the wetness slishes and sloshes there and causes a stir deep within. At first my clit tingles and I enjoy the tease, but when it starts to burn, the feeling emanates from my swollen clit and engulfs the whole of my loins, the wet walls of my vagina spilling forth from my lips, and the ache signals my fingers and hands that they can tickle and tease all they want, but at some point, that will be far from enough as I have gone quickly over the edge...from the point where when I touch myself there I might be asking IF I would like to go all the way, and now, short of the ring of the phone or a knock on the door, or a time commitment, my pussy now aches to let this go and there is no turning back.

My mind wanders to what it does when I play with myself.  I get aroused in deep thoughts of not just the act of lesbian sexuality with her, but also for how it comes about and gets to the point where we both are beyond making out, and making love. I allow my fingertips to dally about in the soft hair of my full,trimmed, but admittedly, unfashionable these days not shaven bush and let my fingers mingle in the softness while I imagine two things; one, what it must feel like to any woman who touches me there, and two, my mind fast forwards over how much I enjoyed feeling ever other lovers bush and a snapshot in my memory simultaneously reminds me of how it felt to feel those tufts of fur between my fingertips, and also, what each individual womans pussy felt like and looked like up close and in the sovereign  moment just before my mouth engulfed each lovers  point of pleasure.  Oh that sweet moment most treasured of the seconds just before ...of the dampness, the smell of sex and excitement, the milliseconds passing by like months, and of first electric contact and mutual reaction.

With both hands I explore my anatomy there, once again to imagine what it feels like to someone loving me, and also, to reminisce about how different and unique every woman is down there and how fortunate I am to have enjoyed it first hand and to appreciate it as I believe so many women have missed out on the beauty of every woman's individuality there.  A different texture, folds of skin, of the mixtures of browns and pinks, of protruding and hidden clits and of the varieties of swelling, of the pure differences of basic anatomical placement for which there is so much variance, and of the freeze frames of each lover from the first with her soft pink smoothest folds, and easy to observe and arouse clitoris, to my latest with her more flattened mound and the more hidden treasure of her clit which yielded her uncontrollable and from that point steady shuddering and quivering in whatever way my fingers or tongue stimulated it or around it, such a wonderful discovery as she made me feel like she had never been touched in the ways I gave my love.

When I "jill off," (gosh I love that term lately) it is almost never totally spontaneous.  I have to put a towel down.  Let me emphasize HAVE to, and its always been that way since my teens.  There are a few times when I pick up the towel and realize "hmmm...not neccessary this time," but I never know, and most often, it is a good thing that whether I am arousing myself in bed or being aroused at images, vids, stories or conversation at the computer, the towel is something like a seatbelt ..I feel naked without it, and not in a good way.

I give love to myself by pulling my lips apart and entering with a finger not going all the way, and remembering of the women I made love to the pussy so widely accepting my first finger that I could instantly tell she wanted the second and third digit and the deeper the better, and on the other end of the spectrum, she whose muscles clinched down on my middle finger and let me know that was all she needed for the moment and that the way I was flicking her was good.

I most often masturbate by entering my orifice with my middle finger but buried no further than the second kuckle, while flicking the clit up and down with my thumb.  I should probably videotape it because it probably looks funny, and I have watched vids of women masturbating and haven't seen "my" technique duplicated.  I most often am running a romantic scenario of seduction in my mind while I am doing it, focusing much more on the hand holding, hugging and cuddling, and deep and meaningful kissing and making out that precedes anything orgasmic in making love to a woman.  As the tingles turn into shudders and sparks and my orgasm nears, I'll admit my thoughts become ever more sexual but I almost never think about anything wild or kinky as I approach my moment of truth.  I near orgasm and back down ...prolonging the ultimate until It cant be stopped ...so that when I am nearing the first one, the HUGE one, I get almost there, and then wind down, which is when I add a tickle or massage to my thighs or my breasts.  Playing with my boobs, where frankly, as gentle as I am with my pussy, one might be surprised in the throes of masturbation how hard I squeeze them and how hard I pinch my nipples and pull on them . .. yes, even sucking on them sometimes providing the duality of what it feels like to have them sucked, but most prominent in my mind at that moment, how good it feels to arouse a lover in that way.    Sometimes I come on the second ramp up to the moment ..sometimes its the tenth, and I have no way of describing which way is what way when I do it other than to say that my body clearly tells me that "its time ! "    Just as clearly as my body tells me that, it also tells me, almost as soon as my first come's last throb and pulse , whether the tingles say "thats enough, that was good," or, " I gotta do it again."

With my imagination in full swing when I masturbate, it is pretty much only the moments right before I come ...even just the last 30 seconds or so before I think about something that in real one on one sex would actually make me come.   I might be thinking about making out and luxuriating in the softness of our breasts smooshed togehter while we grind against each other, and then, as my mind says, "its time," the fantasy might change to her licking me, or tribbing me, fingering me, or another fantasy I think of very very often, masturbating for her while she watches me without judgement.  I moan and gasp if I am alone in the house ...always have felt better about making noises and letting them out without apology, while laughing about them after the orgasm subsides.   I don't use words ...you won't find me saying anything audible other than "oh" or "ahh," or "uhhh," (my aren't the vowels wonderful in the throes of sex)  with the possible exception that I use the word "fuck" when something feels especially good.  It comes out more like "ffffuuuuccck," elongated, as my eyes roll to the back of eyelids. 

And in the drawer of the nightstand ...my girls best friends.  I probably only use a vib about 10% or so of the times I masturbate,(that varies like everything else) and I certainly understand the women that use them exclusively, as there was a time in my life when I not only used a vibrator everyday, but felt quite addicted to it enough to where I almost needed a 12 step program to break myself away from it in realizing that in "real sex" it was too difficult to achieve a natural orgasm.   As I have aged, and especially after childbirth, I have found that I much prefer the slower, let my imagination run form of fingering, palming and "rubbing one out."    But vibs give me the big one and the multiple ones reliably, and I like them for times when I am time crunched or,  most often used when I am engaged in lesbian phone sex with someone I have most likely just met in a chatroom. (said the phone sex slut LOL)    My oldest friend, the bug vibrator ..shaped like a little bug and sold as a back massager at Walmart about 8 years ago.  Yes Walmart for your sex toys !   The bug is quiet and I use it by laying down on it, on my stomach with a pillow underneath my belly which makes my boobs more comfortable into the mattress, and  use another pillow to lay my head on to, often biting it and moaning into it if I think I need to be quiet.   I have a tiny 4 inch purple "pocket rocket" type of vibe ...goes straight on the clit, put it there, clinch my thighs, high pitched buzz buzz, guaranteed orgasm and QUICK!  My imagination lacks during the use of this little monster ...and when I am using it, my thoughts are more likely to be the times, if ever, I think of multiple partners, strap ons, fisting, and the like ...the kinkiest stuff I have done or imagined ..but these thoughts come in flashes and without details and the mind is frankly focused on the buzz on my clit and the impending explosions.   I also have a plain old, just like the first one I ever bought at Spencers in my teens, white plastic, 2 C batteries, 6 inch variable speed doo-hickey, which is the only thing I want to enter me.   I have used it in conjunction with the other two, laying on the bug, reaching behind myself to us it to enter from behind, fucking in and out and the overwhelming sensation was a bit of an over stimulation and too much to keep track of, and I have used it with the purple one as well, with an inablity to concentrate on both as I neared orgasm, giving up on the dual vibe idea and just letting the pocket rocket "do me." 

Yes, I admit in masturbation, that vibs have their place, but I prefer to slowly build by reading or writing  erotica or watching a lesbian vid, and slowly getting to where it feels more intimate and sensual ...and how strong the mind must be to overcome the fact that I am alone, and that when I think of her, whomever "her" might be at the moment, that I must  totally immerse myself into that fantasy because the touch is mine, her tongue is far away, and the afterglow has elements of regret, self pity, loneliness and despair.

When I come, if I am nude, I want the blankets back over me quickly and snuggley.  If I have a nightgown on , or panties and a tshirt, my nipples, hard as a bullet when I come, cry for attention and massage.  The warmth of release through my entire body, especially down my legs, and the tingle turned to tickle at my clit retreating under its own cover.   For a moment, sleep seems irresistable, but give it a few minutes and I always feel refreshed and energized emerging from the glow.  If I look in the mirror, my chest will be have the characteristic red splotches for 10 or 15 minutes and the urge to pee will be along shortly.  The URGE to come ...oh gawd that URGE has been quelled until the next time I can be alone, and take care of it uninterrupted.  I almost start counting down the minutes til the next time.

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Lesbian Lust and Fantasy's First Kiss

 I started this blog in 2007, but it was actually the second blog of lesbian erotica I created.  The first was erased when I thought I might be discovered.  Lost alot of my early writing, but maybe that was meant to be.  I was looking at some old emails and came across this letter I wrote and wondered if I had posted it on this site, and it turns out I did, near the start of "A Lesbian Kiss 2 Desire."   So this is a "best of" and shows my earlier writing.  I didn't use words like "pussy" and the like then ...a practice an author I greatly respect now strongly encouraged me to abandon.  So ...if you have run across this in the older archives, my apologies ...Just wanted to share this for anyone who hasn't.  

At the time I wrote this I had only been with 3 women.  This was written for a woman that I never hooked up with, but at the time, it was a certainty we would.  I think that comes across.  I hope my writing has gotten a bit better, but if you have a comment, please send me an email at akiss2desire@gmail.com . 


daydreaming about this time when we meet.

I have no idea where it is..but its a sunny day...I know that we are probably going to meet the first time in a restauraunt ...but for some reason in the daydream I am always thinking its like a parking lot or something.

The sky couldn't be more blue and its the middle of the day.

You are even more beautiful in person than in your pictures..and now I can see the beauty in your eyes that a picture can never pick up ..and the curve of the fabric around your breasts lets me know their weight, their sway and a hint of what your nipples look like, a subject i must confess that I have obsessed on a bit from time to time since the crush between us became so strong. You probably have no idea how badly I want you lately ..but my desire is as strong as ever as I crave your affection.

So there we are in this parking lot. You are there first and as I drive up I recognize the description of your car.  I notice that you have noticed me driving up and when I pull up next to you, you look through the windows and smile at me..wave ...I do the same...put the car into park..check my purse and a quick check of my hair and makeup for the 100th time in the last hour...probably give myself a quick pep talk "this is it" and nervous, excited start to get out of my car and realize you too are getting out of your car. We are exchanging our first smiles and a hug ...a hug in my fantasy that is so tight because I am sooooo glad this moment has finally arrived. I am tempted to kiss you right there but realize we are in public and .....who knows..you may be seeing me for the first time and realizing you aren't really attracted to me...too fat or something.

Even though we both know WHY we are here together at this moment..I cant' help but be so so so nervous and it shows in our small talk...you look great...you say I do..I love that you wore something for me that shows so much cleavage and I have already noticed that you noticed mine when I walked toward you the first time....we knew this is how some of this would be...but now its the reality and we talk about each other instead of ourselves...the mutual admiration society commences its meeting and you have turned me into a giddy schoolgirl who is trying to impress her first crush.

In this fantasy I realize that I will probably be so nervous and wanting to know if you really like me..probably looking for signs that we could have something deeper and stronger than the orgasmic sex that seems a given that will happen between us if not today, then sometime...and that at some point with whatever is said, I feel comfortable enough to take a deep breath and relax ..then I know I can look at you...just LOOK at you in a sexual way and start to think of what it really will be like.

But in my fantasy ..today can't be that day ...because we are pressed for time...only an hour maybe an hour and a half. You have told me that you can find a place for us to go ...but I have no idea where.... so I say..."are you ready to get out of ths parking lot," and we have to decide which car to take....it seems logical to take whichever has the most room ( i have a small size SUV) ...but whichever car we take...I am wanting YOU to drive (in the fantasy...reality can be different if we want it to be)

So you in the drivers seat ..me in the passengers seat...before you start the car a moment when I say "hey...we are alone...finally." and I reach out my hand to squeeze your thigh..."is it ok ?" "yes" .. "no hard feelings if you back out ok?" "Im not backing out.....are you?" "I've never wanted you more" "I've wanted to be alone with you for so long."


The car starts and we start to pull away...where are you taking me....how far? how private will it be? As you drive I am so excited and just looking at your face and your curves and beggining to tingle. I check the mirror again...ask myself if I overdid the makeup ..the eyeshadow ...did i make a mistake going with that shade of blue for our "first date." Wondering if this was a dress to impress date or in this middle of the day setting where unfortunately you have to return to work (but I dont,) if I left you at perceived disadvantage by wanting you to see my dress up side while you were forced to be conservative enough to go back to work. Still small talk til you get where you are going. I sincerely have no idea in reality where you will take us ..dying to know :) but have imagined a very secluded spot where we will not be discovered. I touch your thigh as you drive...you hold my hand ...we continue the sighs, deep breaths of nervousness and smiles...you say what I'm thinking and I say what you are thinking as we go down the road to the place.

The vehicle turns off and we are alone ..very alone..I didn't know this secluded place existed...and so...and so....and SO ... this ....is indeed IT. THE MOMENT for us. My seat belt comes unbuckled and I know we are about to kiss ..but how? we both sooooooooo know its coming. and want it. I can feel you want all that this will allow us...It's like I can feel your skin pulsating under my lips, and yet I havent touched you like that yet. and again..with you going back to work ...it cant allow us much....we must restrain some...and I wonder how greedy we will be with our wants.

You want to get out or stay in the car ? We decide to stay in (in my fantasy) ..and I come closer to you and lay my head upon your shoulder. My right arm goes around you to your shoulder and then your neck...my forearm is against your breast and we are both aware that we have noticed that fact. Can I just lay here like this for a few minutes..you say its ok and I caress you...you caress me back...tell me its nice..its not rushed. My gawd what a rush it is to look into your beautiful eyes and feel your desire.

You tell me we have to leave at a certain time...and we will keep an eye on the clock..but that time girl..that time will go so fast....racing faster than the beats of my heart at the moment.

Things have a certain order it seems...though I know in the future at a moment like this I would be very comfortable caressing your breasts right now...I know our lips must ... MUST come together. You are so beautiful as I scoot high enough in the seat to get at your level..a bit above it...not yet...I caress your thigh....and come very close to your crotch without going there yet...you compliment my touch without a word...just the look in your eyes....ready for this ? spoken or unspoken ..thats where we are...I KNOW you are about to know the softness in a kiss like you have never felt and that fact turns me on even more...

lips ............. tongue ............... soft moan ............. melt ............ deeper ..... open your eyes and look into mine ...we have arrived here together in this moment

kiss me back and i will kiss you deeper still.
and I can wait no longer to feel the weight of your breast in my right hand as it lowers from behind your neck.
shifting to be closer and against each other our bodies make the best of what we can in the vehicle.

but

oh babe...so much the desire..we are both flowing into our panties ...and ...we cant finish what we are starting...today we are just making out...but ...we need and want more.....

Did you wear something that I can easily touch you down there in ? I will know your wetness. I want your hands upon my breasts and take your hand and put it there. I can feel the electricity shoot through you as well as me. oh melt into this with me darling...let this not be our last time but the first of so many.

I am afraid of pulling our shirts off or our panties down in a place that could be discovered....but I want to touch you ....I push a finger into your wetness...."do we need to stop" "please dont stop"
so good
I know
so let me like this
I lean up against the car door on my side of the vehicle...ask you to turn around and lean with your back up against my body..you are unsure...but like this I can smell your hair, kiss your sweet soft lips, enter your blouse with my left hand and feel your nipples harden and respond to my desire, and finger your wetness with my right hand ...and easily all at the same time.....it is not too tempting not to take you over the edge and feel your come....I whisper in your ear...I really wanted the first time to be with my mouth babe....promise me I can bury my face in your thighs soon..."yes" you reply... want me to take you all the way...."please" ...so I will ....you squirm, moan for me, call my name softly, and I bring you the explosion ..."I need to taste you" you tell me..and I assure you that you will ..but not today...unexpectedly you softly grab my wrist and bring my fingers covered in the wetness of your vagina and suck on my fingers...beautiful first with your eyes closed and open them to see me in admiration and pure lust.

Our time is up..and we have to get you back to looking somewhat unsexed :) before you return.

more kisssing..more making out...more promises and promises to keep our promises

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ONE OF THE TOP 50 LESBIAN DATING BLOGS

As a blog writer I sometimes come across another blog that has won some kind of award of recognition.  I get some wonderful and thankful emails from the readers of this blog, but the accolades have been few and far between, and probably deservingly so because what I write about is so niche.  I was thrilled to open my email this week and find that this blog has been named one of the "Top 50 Lesbian Dating Blogs." by Lesbian and Dating.net  http://www.lesbiandating.net/blog/.  Not only was I honored, but a few of my favorite blogs were noted for which I was honored to be named in the same post as.  I am truly not worthy, but will keep at it :)  If anyone knows of an award or accolade I could put my blog in the running for, do me a solid and email me here. Thank You So Much.

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For Bi Curious or Perhaps Lesbian in Heart Jill

Jill writes
Hello, I have been reading your blog recently and have been moved (sometimes quite literally). I am 24 years old and only been with guys. But ever since high school and a crush on a best friend, I know that I am a lesbian. It even feels odd, and exhilerating, to type that. I obviously am not out, at all. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to tell my friends or family until I know for certain. Meaning, that I only read about lesbian encounters on blogs like yours or by watching TV and movies with lesbian themes. I don't know how to meet people, yet alone another girl. I am somehere between cute and attractive (depending on my hair that day) and am curvy, but sliming down nicely due to my new obsession of cycling. I see girls all the time that are cute, sometimes I smile, but mostly I am very shy. I guess I am seeking advice and encouragement, so if you have any to offer, I would most definitely appreciate it. Thank you,

Jill,

When I get a letter like yours I always answer, if for no other reason than that I spent so many years wondering if anyone out there had any earthly idea what I was going through....and still feel that way.

Telling someone like me is one thing ...telling someone you have flesh and blood contact with is yet another. And while so many will say that those confessions will set you free, I know as much as anyone that the list of those who "wouldn't understand," is a long and powerful list of friends, family, co-workers and society in general, unfortunately. I think alot of it is where you live ...and alot of it is the company you keep. But having said all that, I did want to address something you note.

You said you "know" you are lesbian ..and that is something that I hope you embrace while you still can ...if you can. For me, I "knew" I was at least bisexual from the moment I understood what bisexual was. You mentioned your involvement with lesbian blogs, tv and movies. I was the same way but for me it happened at a very early age. At about the time all girls were batshit crazy about boys in 6th grade and gossiping about who got their period or pubic hair or kissed a boy, or for that matter, what boys and girls were supposed to do with each other in the dark, Those TV, Movie, Book, and pop culture references to all things lesbian stopped me in my tracks and caused me wonder. There was a fairly defining moment I guess came when I was reading ...for lack of a better term, a sex primer which was graphic in what sex was, as in completely informational, while not being pornographic. I think it was entitled Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask, and there was just a minimal amount in the book about lesbians and bisexual women....or at least not nearly enough for MY curiosity. I can remember though, right then and there, deciding, and a better term would be realizing, that I was at least that. The then frightening thought that I might be a lesbian crossed my mind, and was left undecided (as it turns out for another 16 or so years) ...but the thing I became sure of that day is that there was no way that I was only into boys. I used to babysit for a variety of parents in my early teens and when the parents would leave and I got the kids asleep, I always raided the bookshelves for the steamiest things I could find. (ever wonder why I was writing lesbian erotica from the first moment I got a computer ?) It should tell me something when I look back that soon I no longer felt a fear that I might be a lesbian, rather the new fear I found was that as I continued to have boyfriends and live a "normal" life, that I remember thinking "I don't want to be 40 years old before my first experience with a woman."

So, while day to day in the hallways and the movies and the dances I was always with a boy (lots of boys but thats another story), I remember now that my every INDIVIDUAL pursuit in private time was spent finding delight in lesbian references, erotica, and my own early age "gaydar" which involved imagining almost every woman of nearly every age, from my own friends to my moms friends, and every celebrity for certain, either as a lesbian or bisexual, or at least, as I was, curious. And then, let me at least briefly discuss masturbation. Again, I was masturbating at an earlier age than most ...with no apologies as I blogged about it here long ago, a makeout session with a pillow turned into alot of rubbing and eventually my first orgasm when I was in 5th grade. And at first, yes, I was thinking of boyfriends, but not long after that snap realization that I KNEW I was at least bisexual, in the throes of nearly daily orgasmic release, I almost never fantasized about boys or men. And yes ...when making out and making love with boys and men, the thoughts of women were always in mind. And a very stark memory was getting a hold of Penthouse magazine, with its cheezy "forum " stories and beautiful women. I remember the feelings many have of guilt and confusion, probably because the intensity of connection with the beautiful images I was looking at made me feel, somehow, "100% lesbian" in those masturbatory experiences, and I think at that point I was aware of how HUGE a change in my life being "100% lesbian" would be ..just wasn't ready to go there, ya know. But ..trust me...when I was coming over those airbrushed, large breasted, bleach blonde bimbos, I was as "100% lesbian" as can be....guilt or no guilt.

So I tell you all this to relate that while I had a "normal" life, secretly, I was waiting, hoping, and trying to create a lesbian sexual experience, which seemed harder than climbing Mount Everest. It didn't happen til I was 18 ...and I blogged about that first experience too. But the time from when I KNEW and from when I was in that "this is ACTUALLY HAPPENING" moment with my first, it was like eternity. Like it was everyday, and more correctly, every night in the dark, when I would wonder, "when, when WHen, WHEN !! is it going to happen." There were crushes I couldn't get past the fear of making the make or break move ..and total rejection and emotional devestation when I came out (and came on) to my best friend who I was SURE I was going to be making love with after I came out to her, and instead got the "Im not that way" response, and the end of a wonderful friendship. When the winds blow us together, even though its been 15 years, it's still awkward ...probably because she knows that I STILL wish she WAS that way then, and if she ever becomes that way, that I would wish she would become that way with her.

So Jill, you ask for advice and I am one voice of many perhaps that you should consult. But, mine would be to be prepared for rejection when and if you get the nerve to turn your bedroom fantasies into realities, and try not to let it devastate you. But as much as you need to steel yourself for a possible letdown, also know that you can also prepare yourself for something I am sure you already know is not even in the same universe as anything you have done with men. When you can find your way into her arms, your lips upon hers in that first kiss, and eventually making love, I assure you that while whatever emotions and intimate fulfillments you feel are of the moment and between you and your girl, the sexual and orgasmic realities will be earth shattering ..dare I say, life shattering ..at least for the part of your life that is your sexuality. I am sure it is different for everyone, but giving pleasure and feeling a womans reactions to my commitment to her pleasure and the tools of the trade so to speak of lips, tongue, fingers, hands, skin, passion, and MOST importantly, the intimate connection between two women making love, have been the most powerful and fantastic moments of my sexual life....and the thing I have grown to crave more of every minute, hour and day. I don't know how different I am, but lesbian sexual obsession ...amongst the day to day tasks of family, work and living , is a constant background noise of lesbian what ifs, how if's, and when again's that are like a constant, and acceptable companion.

While you inspired me to write about ME, I encourage YOU to find your path with no regrets. While I do think sometimes I wish I had known at an early age that I was lesbian, and not just bisexual as I believed, without the lateness of that realization, I would not have the life I have with my beautiful child. Life is more important than sex ..but don't kid yourself, sex is what we all desire constantly, and since you say you know there is a virgin lesbian inside you, I hope you find what works for you and devote some energy and as much vulnerability as you are comfortable with to find the intimate, emotional, and indeed, lesbian sexual high points of your life.

Finally, you mentioned that I was taking time to write you, a "stranger." Honey, while I write what I write on my blog because I can't imagine NOT writing what I write, for I have always written from the head, the heart, and my pussy, I have to tell you that the payment I get is having contact with someone as nice as you seem to be and hoping that by starting this blog so long ago, crossing paths with you and others like you, becomes my purpose for blogging. When you say it moved you, that moves me ....if it gets you off, so it does for me as well.

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