A Lesbian "How I Miss That"

I wanted to write an essay ..a blog post if you will ..called "Gawd I miss that."

It has been for me now 400 plus days since my lesbian sexual liason.  In my "double life" that I lead as a small town married mom who has realized that "bisexual" is no longer the term that describes me, for as a woman who had come to call herself "lesbian"  in her heart, mind, in blogs and in confessions to befriended fellow travelers, I have come to accept that "Lesbian" for most women is a lifestyle.  My lifestyle is decidededly NOT lesbian. It is small town christian married mom, and thats something that doesn't lend itself to the "lesbian"
 that I know I truly am.   But for me, at least for now, lesbian is what I am in lust (not just daily, but minute to minute), in bed with all my passion (but not there in more than the previously mentioned 400 plus days) and in masturbatory fantasy (not nearly as much time or privacy as I used to have.)

So ..with many changes in my life, the lust builds and builds and builds.  And yes, there have been chances to get my face wet, but those have not felt right or haven't panned out, or especially lately, have not come close to having the time or freedom to explore.  And yes, it makes my heart hurt, and yes, I accept the emails from those who say "just come out honey, it will be allright."   I think I will get there ..I've been close to it a few times.  Til then I will keep carrying the weight.

But Gawd I miss that. 

The response of her tongue in that first kiss ...the mutual melting ...the holding each others weight up for the knees that weaken in torrid embrace ...oh how I miss that.
When I pull up on the laptop any kind of lesbian porn that has me believing they aren't so faking and acting, and one womans eyes flare at the other in surprise of what was done by lips or tongue, or when  her eyes roll back in sheer pleasure ....I KNOW what thats like, I have made women feel that before, and yes, Gawd I MISS that.

When I remember times when a lovers  nipples stiffen at the flick of my tongue, soften when I suck, and poke outward again at the gentle graze of my teeth, gawd I miss that. When a soft skinned, free of body hair, large breasted woman plops directly on top of me and begins to writhe, either kissing me, sucking my earlobes, gnawing my neck and skin meshed against me -breast to breast, thigh to thigh, let's me know how "into me" she is, oh GAWD I miss it sooooo much.

In going down on her, the squirming, clutching, thrusting, or even still freezing, combined with the sounds of her cooing, moaning, sometimes screaming or squealing, in pleasure or disbelief or in loving appreciation ...the rumbling, quivering, pulsating muscle tightening, intensifying to the apex of her explosion as I lick it, suck it, sloppy, passionately, with EVERYTHING I have to give, oh  gawd how I miss that.

And the connection ...when established ..when I can give her my pleasure and the power of my own eruption devours our emotions, and the following bliss of sweet holding, soft caress and massage, and the COMING (cumming as everyone loves to spell it) becomes the wonder of coming down.  And oh my goodness how I miss that ...so much.
I miss it with those whom I have tasted, desired to taste, and when the number of days get reset to zero, whenever that is, I'll miss it with her. 

Read more »

our first lesbian kiss (best of)

Best of ...

I am daydreaming about this time when we meet.

I have no idea where it is..but its a sunny day...I know that we are probably going to meet the first time in a restauraunt ...but for some reason in the daydream I am always thinking its like a parking lot or something.

The sky couldn't be more blue and its the middle of the day.

You are even more beautiful in person than in your pictures..and now I can see the beauty in your eyees that a picture can never pick up ..and the curve of the fabric around your breasts lets me know their weight, their sway and a hint of what your nipples look like, a subject i must confess that I have obsessed on a bit from time to time since the crush between us became so strong. You probably have no idea how badly I want you lately ..but my desire is as strong as ever as I crave your affection.

So there we are in this parking lot ..you are their first and as I drive up I recognize the description of your car ...i notice that you have noticed me driving up and when I pull up next to you, you look through the windows and smile at me..wave ...I do the same...put the car into park..check my purse and a quick check of my hair and makeup for the 100th time in the last hour...probably give myself a quick pep talk "this is it" and nervous, excited start to get out of my car and realize you too are getting out of your car. We are exchanging our first smiles and a hug ...a hug in my fantasy that is so tight because I am sooooo glad this moment has finally arrived. I am tempted to kiss you right there but realize we are in public and .....who knows..you may be seeing me for the first time and realizing you aren't really attracted to me...too fat or something.

Even though we both know WHY we are here together at this moment..I cant' help but be so so so nervous and it shows in our small talk...you look great...you say i do..I love that you wore something for me that shows so much cleavage and I have already noticed that you noticed mine when I walked toward you the first time....we knew this is how some of this would be...but now its the reality and we talk about each other instead of ourselves...the mutual admiration society commences its meeting and you have turned me into a giddy schoolgirl who is trying to impress her first crush.

In this fantasy I realize that I will probably be so nervous and wanting to know if you really like me..probably looking for signs that we could have something deeper and stronger than the orgasmic sex that seems a given that will happen between us if not today, then sometime...and that at some point with whatever is said, I feel comfortable enough to take a deep breath and relax ..then I know I can look at you...just LOOK at you in a sexual way and start to think of what it really will be like.

But in my fantasy ..today can't be that day ...because we are pressed for time...only an hour maybe an hour and a half. You have told me that you can find a place for us to go ...but I have no idea where.... so I say..."are you ready to get out of ths parking lot," and we have to decide which car to take....it seems logical to take whichever has the most room ( i have a small size SUV) ...but whichever car we take...I am wanting YOU to drive (in the fantasy...reality can be different if we want it to be)

So you in the drivers seat ..me in the passengers seat...before you start the car a moment when I say "hey...we are alone...finally." and I reach out my hand to squeeze your thigh..."is it ok ?" "yes" .. "no hard feelings if you back out ok?" "Im not backing out.....are you?" "ive never wanted you more" "ive wanted to be alone with you for so long."


The car starts and we start to pull away...where are you taking me....how far? how private will it be? As you drive I am so excited and just looking at your face and your curves and beggining to tingle. I check the mirror again...ask myself if I overdid the makeup ..the eyeshadow ...did i make a mistake going with that shade of blue for our "first date." ...wondering if this was a dress to impress date or in this middle of the day setting where unfortunately you have to return to work (but I dont,) if I left you at perceived disadvantage by wanting you to see my dress up side while you were forced to be conservative enough to go back to work. Still small talk til you get where you are going. I sincerely have no idea in reality where you will take us ..dying to know :) but have imagined a very secluded spot where we will nto be discovered. I touch your thigh as you drive...you hold my hand ...we continue the sighs, deep breaths of nervousness and smiles...you say what I'm thinking and i say what you are thinking as we go down the road to the place.

The vehicle turns off and we are alone ..very alone..I didn't know this secluded place exhisted...and so...and so....and SO ... this ....is indeed IT. THE MOMENT for us. My seat belt comes unbuckled and I know we are aboytut to kiss ..but how? we both sooooooooo know its coming. and want it. i can feel you want all that this will allow us...It's like I can feel your skin pulsating under my lips, and yet I havent touched you like that yet. and again..with you going back to work ...it cant allow us much....we must restrain some...and i wonder how greedy we will be with our wants.

You want to get out or stay in the car ? We decide to stay in (in my fantasy) ..and I come closer to you and lay my head upon your shoulder. My right arm goes around you to your shoulder and then your neck...my forearm is against your breast and we are both aware that we have noticed that fact. can i just lay here lke this for a few minutes..you say its ok and i caress you...you caress me back...tell me its nice..its not rushed. My gawd what a rush it is to look into your beautiful eyes and feel your desire.

You tell me we have to leave at a certain time...and we will keep an eye on the clock..but that time girl..that time will go so fast....racing faster than the beats of my heart at the moment.

Things have a certain order it seems...though I know in the future at a moment like this I would be very comfortable caressing your breasts right now...I know our lips must come together. You are so beautiful as I scoot high enough in the seat to get at your level..a bit above it...not yet...i caress your thigh....and come very close to your crotch without going there yet...you compliment my touch without a word...just the look in your eyes....ready for this ? spoken or unspoken ..thats where we are...i KNOW you are about to know the softness in a kiss like you have never felt and that fact turns me on even more...

lips ............. tongue ............... soft moan ............. melt ............ deeper ..... open your eyes and look into mine ...we have arrived here together in this moment

kiss me back and i will kiss you deeper still.
and I can wait no longer to feel the weight of your breast in my right hand as it lowers from behind your neck.
shifting to be closer and against each other our bodies make the best of what we can in the vehicle.

but

oh babe...so much the desire..we are both flowing into our panties (if you wore any LOL) ...and ...we cant finish what we are starting...today we are just making out...but ...we need and want more.....

did you wear something that i can touch you down there in ? I will know your wetness. I want your hands upon my breasts and take your hand and put it there. I can feel the electricity shoot through you as well as me. oh melt into this with me darling...let this not be our last time but the first of so many.

I am afraid of pulling our shirts off or our panties down in a place that could be discovered....but i want to touch you ....i push a finger into your wetness...."do we need to stop" "please dont stop"
so good
i know
so let me like this
i lean up against the car door on my side of the vehicle...ask you to turn around and lean with your back up against my body..you are unsure...but like this i can smell your hair, kiss your sweet soft lips, enter your blouse with my left hand and feel your nipples harden and respond to my desire, and finger your wetness with my right hand ...and easily all at the same time.....it is not too tempting not to take you over the edge and feel your come....i whisper in your ear...i really wanted the first time to be with my mouth babe....promise me i can bury my face in your thighs soon..."yes" you reply... want me to take you all the way...."please" ...so I will ....you squirm, moan for me, call my name softly, and i bring you the explosion ..."i need to taste you" you tell me..and I assure you that you will ..but not today...unexpectedly you softly grab my wrist and bring my fingers covered in the wetness of your vagina and suck on my fingers...beautiful first with your eyes closed and open them to see me in admiration and pure lust.

our time is up..and we have to get you back to looking somewhat unsexed :) before you return.

more kisssing..more making out...more promises and promises to keep our promises

Read more »

Glee Lesbian eroticism, tribbing, and drama

Just want to say..this is as far as Glee has gone with the lesbian thing this year.   I about peed my panties when I saw this last night. Lets try to remember that these are innocent High School girls ok ?(I remember being one of those at one time)  Here are the images from the lesbian making out (no tender kiss YET, but there was a reference to the two Cheerio's tribbing ) and the dialogue from the Glee episode "Duets"

Naya Rivera and Heather Morris as Santana and Brittany

Glee
Episode from October 12, 2010
(Over the previous episodes it has become clear that Brittany is the Lesbian one with the capital L, Santana is bi, given her relationship with Puck and Brittany)

(Slow pan from the youth pictures of Brittany cheerleading, so we know it's her bedroom, to the bottom of the bed and agonizingly slow  to the top with the two cheerleaders lying prone, Santana on top of Brittany, making out, sucking on her neck. )
Brittany (Sighing) "Oh your sweet lady kisses."
Santana"mmmm hmmm...It's a nice break from all that scissoring"
Brittany. (pulling her back in towards her neck and holding her around the shoulders ever so much tighter) We should do a duet together.  We should sing Melissa Ethridge's Come To My Window
Santana: (frustrated) First of all, there's alot of talking going on, and I wants to get my mac on. (Dives back into her neck, her right hand headed towards Brittanys breast)
Brittany: Well I don't know just...
Santana: (interrupting and sitting up) Second of all, Im not making out with you cause I'm in love with you and want to sing about making lady babies.  I'm only here because Puck's been in the slammer for about 12 hours now and I'm like a lizard.  I need something warm beneath me or I can't digest my food" 

This dialogue comes less than a week after the Jane Lynch Saturday Night Live episode that featured the skit with her as a closet lesbian coming out to Suze Orman. What a great Lesbian week !

(feel free to repost with link back to this site)

Read more »

Just A Slice of Lesbian Life ...in bed

A Minute Of Lesbian Bliss

by akiss2desire

I just cant believe how much I love it when I am on top of her and kissing her and she wraps her legs around my waist and scrunches under me a bit more to change the angle of how i come up on top of her in these heated and emotional deep kisses we share. My tongue goes a bit deeper and I feel those legs wrapped around me grip a bit tighter, her ankles turning into my skin, her toes stroking my bareness.  I am so focused on the intensity of our kiss that in the shift of her coming underneath me, my hair has come between our lips and is mingling in our kiss ...but the kiss is too good to break ...we just let the hair dangle between us for a few moments before the absurdity of this acceptance of something quite unacceptable gets us both smiling and giggling at each other in the moment our lips depart one another.

She reaches underneath to pay attention to my left breast with her right hand ...cupping over my bra and digging her nails in gently, lovingly, but with determination to make my skin feel her consideration of my ever elevating arousal.  Her digging into my breast with her nails with her firm, but not too much squeeze and lift causes me first to sigh deeply and then decide that her bra must go, NOW.  As I reach around to unclasp her, she leans forward to give me the space to do so, and as I  pull the fabric slowly away from her skin, her piked nipples revealed to reward my eyes and my heart in knowing she is just so there in drenched anticipation for the delights we are just embarking upon. 

On impulse, my next kiss down on her mouth is as wide open as I can comfortably achieve, but as the surprise elicits a reaction from her that simultaneously includes he lunging of her pussy against me, the tightening of her legs around me and a frozen moment of ecstasy she unveils with her eyes,  as if to say I have license to do to her anything that I would desire, for she trusts me to always flavor of our lesbian orgasmic destiny.

She likes her nipples sucked slowly and I usually oblige.  The noises she makes when I do it drive me wild.  She likes to make  more eye contact while I do that than anyone else I have made love to.  She gazes upon me and I understand the look and that she wants me to look into her eyes as much as possible
"I can't wait anymore for your mouth," she pants, and I know she needs my tongue upon her down there, inside her, and that it time we began the long ride of wave after wave of the oral gratification that is wonderful for us both

Read more »

Lesbian kissing and fingering and humping and oh my

Ok...I never came into this as a blogger who wanted to repost things from x sites ...there are plenty of blogs that do that. In fact, for anyone who is with me that long, I think I went a year before I even said pussy on here. But I have to post the link to this free vid and go to it at your own risk ...its two women who start by getting really off on each other ...then end up in mutual masturbation. The reason I share it is that it, for me, is sooooooo rare to find vids of women who do a good job convincing me that the camerman isnt there, or that they are in their own world enough for it not to matter. While I would love to see a progressioin to more oral delights for these two, I have to share this based on what it did to me ..and also, ..blushingly...if anyone wants to know what its like when I am totally getting off ....there are many elements of the reactions I have and the noises I make in this vid ...not quite like looking in the mirror but close. So ..again..I am not here to blog repost stuff like this...but making the exception cause goodness gracious it made me hot this morning.

link below...here is a vidcap :)

Lesbian kissing and fingering pussy

Read more »

As two women kiss ...

As Two Women Kiss

by akiss2desire
copyright 2010 all rights reserved

I remember when we walked around that pond and grasped each others hand,  the ducks were the only witness and I kept an eye out for anyone who might be lurking and watching us, but it appeared we had the location to ourselves that spring afternoon when the dark grey clouds were giving way to a misty drizzle off and on.  "A little rain never hurt anyone, right ?"   I had said as we departed your car for our stroll.

As we tested our chemistry with more quiet mutual contemplation than forced small talk, in as much of a first date as two women starting this affair could have as we had both slipped away from work for this rendeousvous, while the magnitude of our desires had surely not slipped our mind.  If it was in our minds to just lay down somewhere and go at it with each other, full out porn style, it wasnt going to happen for many reasons including the dampness of the ground and lack of a blanket, the fear of discovery at a small town public pond, or not the least of which, the decency of two women, neither of which would dare appear to each other as a slut, no matter how strong the throb and flow of the possibilities of all we could give to each other in lesbian passion fully unleashed.
When we came upon the concrete bench a few feet from the water under a willow tree, neither had to invite the other to sit.   But before I sat down next to you, unclasping your hand and reaching down to pick the wildflower, I contemplated that the flower was as content with the dampness of the day as I was with the scenery , her prescense, the perfection of the moment, and a decisioin of whether to hand her the flower, or lift it to her hair and contemplate whether to place it behind her ear .  I smiled at her and playfully put the flower there, knowing it wouldn't stay, it tumbled down out of her hair but as if holding on before it settled as if it was planned upon her cleavage.   Her eyes flared at mine and as she didn't remove the flower herself, my invitation to approach her breasts with my fingertips to take the flower and twirl it with my fingertips, but not before those fingertips had lightly scratchingly grazed her soft skin to coax the goosebumps, and while not squeezing her breast outright, I couldn't resist the delight of the touch and sight and seeming innocence of my  the touch of my "pink shock" painted nails (not so diva!) testing the pliancy and softness of her breast.   Her cleavage and soft skin was beautiful, her top was flowing in the breeze, and that too was beautiful, her grey eyes shying away from mine was beautiful, and the rush of the rightness of the moment overwhelmed us both as she tilted her head to beckon me, and just before I lowered my lips towards hers, I really too notice of them ...a bit wrinkled from the years and with character, the warm shade of red lipstick she had chosen as carefully as the darker shade I had chosen just for her in hoping that we'd meet our lips together today, and siezing a perfect moment in time,  taking both her hands in mine a split second before the fireworks of the meeting of our mouths to soon be followed by her tongue meeting mine perfectly in the middle.

The soft part of her lips and mine on each other and the very tentative probing of her tongue could have been the second to break our first kiss or continue it with the passion I felt and felt coming from her.  We both opened wider and into her I deeply thrust my tongue.  The contradiction of the coolness of the air and the searing heat between us.  I moaned into her mouth and as I eventually withdrew my tongue, she closed her mouth but not her eyes, pecked me and rocked her head forward again to kiss me and I got the message not to stop.   Another deep and emotional penetration to her wide open mouth as we responded by wrapping each others arms around each other, then tightening our embrace as the kiss became more passionate.   My tongue deep within her, she gave me hers the most when we would slightly pull apart and she would stick her tongue out to twirl around mine between our parted lips before we frenched some more.  She completely went limp and passive when I licked around her lips, and her eyes were on fire when we stopped for a few seconds to breathe, only to dive in for more and more mutually.  Ducks make duck noises, leaves rustle ...the clouds give way to a soft drizzle.  Neither of us care about the mist ...both of us know a different wetness.



After the seconds became minutes I lowered to her neck and and took a very deep breath to rest my cheek upon the soft skin of her breast, trusting we were still alone, what words are needed, but spoken anyway, she sighs and holds me ever so tightly, "oh my gawd, you are the best kisser I've ever ...." and she shuddered and half squealed, half grunted.   She pulls me closer and I nuzzle her boobs and sigh.

"I can't wait to show you everything else I can do with my mouth." 

Read more »

Question and answers for akiss2desire

Just us ladies in the room 

I always appreciate the questions I get and some meaningful dialogues are sometimes the result.  I think while I am sometimes in writers block for the mix of lesbian fantasy and reality (not much reality lately LOL) I write about, the things I wanted to convey about myself, my closet lesbian life, and the urges, feelings, opinions and experiences sometimes more easily flow from my mind in question and answer form.   Sometimes I share those questions and answers here, while keeping the "asker" anonymous.  This is far from the most erotic post (ie: it probably won't make you horny) but there are plenty of things in the archives for the first timers.   So ..here are some of the questions asked and answered recently by me, akiss2desire.

And before we begin ..I have a question for you (the reader.)   I have 2 friends who are telling me how great the Kindle and Nook electronic readers are. Now that beach season is over ..I am probably late on this but, let me ask anyway.  If I compile my 10 or 15 best stories, fantasies and experiences in a form that could be taken on the go (The Best Of ...) would it be of use to anyone ?   Would it be something you'd (gulp) pay a small pittance for ?   Let me know at akiss2desire@gmail.com or in response to this post.   
============================================

Dear Akiss2desire,

I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago and since then I’ve been hooked. I decided to write you after reading that you are addicted to feedback and also that you actually do respond to your e-mails sometimes. Hopefully you will have a moment free from your busy schedule to read this one.

Your stories are …delicious. I love your style of writing and the way you delicately select the words you use to bring us into another world. My favorite is the one about the woman you were in love with who left you but came back to you just for sex. The way you described how when you finally got back together you jumped straight to fucking, just like that without even speaking, was incredibly hot. I can only imagine the attraction that must have been between you two. I  wish…but you give proof that it's possible. I masturbate, and I thought it was a lot  (that's relative) before I found your blog but since then it’s been like every day, sometimes more than once. Crazy huh? Thank you for your work and for sharing your experiences. Please don’t quit. I’m sure that if you persevere long enough you will achieve everything you aspire to, including your book being published

I would also like to ask you a few questions; they are personal but this is anonymous and you seem to share just about everything else anyway. I can’t believe that you actually plan how you will describe your experience on your blog during sex. That’s just something on a whole other level that I don’t know how to describe.


I just threw that out in the way that I let my stream of conscious dictate what I write ...I was asked about it by lovers and I had to admit it to them, but I didnt think I had admitted it on the blog before.  On the other hand, I don't think I am so self conscious about this blog that I find myself saying "Ive got to find someone to make love to or I won't have anything to write about."   In fact, when I have tried to hard for love / sex ...I have had my heart hurt, if not broken. 


And I understand that you have to keep your whole lesbian life a secret because of your son. That’s very noble of you and he’s very lucky to have come into this world with you as his mother. Do you think that one day after he is grown you will leave your husband and finally have an open relationship with a woman? 

I think about it all the time.   My day to day, week to week, living the closet life as a church going, community involved working mom, pretending to be fairly happy wife is really not that painful...we are more economically comfortable as a pair and my husband, who is an asshole to me, is pretty good with his son.  Our family life, or home life, is truthfully not that bad.  Somebody must know that there is more to life than sexual pursuit ..sexual desire and all that takes up alot of my emotions and I reason that at some point, it probably will happen that I will get divorced, get caught and be forced to divorce, or whatever.  If it never happens, I am ok with it ...I can imagine myself settling down with one particular woman, or being wild and making love with as many women as are willing LOL.   (either sounds ok to me )  It would be such a HUGE change in my life, its hard to believe it might happen ..but I suppose its possible.  If there is one thing that never changes is that everything changes.



Also, even though you are careful have you thought about the possibility of being caught too soon and the consequences of  that? Are you afraid that you might hook up with the wrong woman one day who might decide to out you for some vicious reason?


GOOD QUESTION and I am living the answer !  I am more afraid of trusting someone who isn't who they appear to be.  There is even a woman I have had contact with recently whom I decided to cool it with before we ever got to the hot and heavy and the biggest reason was a vibe that was just coming across as aggressive and possibly the kind of woman who might burn the house down if scorned. I had skipped around that situation with a lover before, and it was nerve wracking. So ..YES ..that crosses my mind and thats not just a F2F thing...if I were having affairs with men I would feel the same way.


Are you a religious woman at all and if so how does that part of you affect your  feelings about your lifestyle?


I am a christian woman who goes to a very conservative church.  My pastor preaches often about infidelity...but has never preached against homosexuality.  I believe that I have flaws and in my prayers ask for forgiveness for them.  My flaws are not that I want to make love with women, but I DO believe the wrongest thing I do is take chances and perhaps might get caught which would do damage not just to me, which I could take, but also to family ...which is really my first priority. I know that I have been involved in conversations about bible verses that are believed to say homosexuality is such an unforgiveable sin ...I am not the best christian and tend to be a cafeteria christian...taking a little here and little there and making sure it betters my life ..but some churches say you cant have a beer and wine....My choices sure wouldn't be welcome there either. 

Maybe if you have time you could lend a few words of wisdom. I’m 26 years old (next week) HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! and I have just recently allowed myself to open up to the idea that I’m bisexual. I was raised in a religious home and taught that homosexuality of any kind is wrong. I’m still not sure about that but I know I can’t deny what I feel any longer. When I was younger I just thought that I liked the way that other females looked, more in an aesthetic sense not in a sexual way, and I told myself that I would never actually want to do anything with a woman. However, since about a year ago it’s completely flipped;  I see the beauty in every woman that walks past me. I just can’t wait anymore! I’m literally aching to put my lips on a woman, stop and smell her, to feel her skin against my skin, to know what it’s like when she climaxes for me. Sigh… I have been with men before, but honestly ever since I started reading your blog I’m not at all interested in having sex with a man. At least not for now.

What you describe is similar to my feelings and experience ...in stages of acceptance ...I have gone from the realization that "of course I am bisexual" at a very early age, to realizing that not only would I like for that to happen I wanted to persue it ...and then in my twenties, the going over the cliff that you describe ..the "flip" of realization that it was likely all I wanted sexually anymore...and that whatever I had done with men was for such different reasons that it was like comparing apples to oranges ..while both sex with men and sex with women are both sex, involve playing with the naughty bits, involve intimacy and involve orgasm....they are truly of different worlds in every aspect.  Now, can i say that it HAS to be more than just my little old blog ....you must have been seeking something that came to fruition ..and the realization that you are ready to quit fantasizing and make something happen is yet another one of those steps along the way. When you say "I cant wait anymore" I am rooting for you and now as you are further looking for opportunities to arise, your fantasy may be fulfilled sooner than you know.

  

I have several issues though. First of all I’m extremely shy and I don’t have the first idea as to how to “befriend” another woman in that way. I would hate to come on to the wrong person and be made to look like a total fool. I know you said to expect rejection but still, how can you tell who is who?


I am African American, not extremely attractive but not ugly either. I try to keep my body in good shape, I’ve got average sized breasts, and a substantial “asset”. I dress fairly conservatively, nothing flashy, no makeup, heels, dresses or anything like that. So I’m not even sure if another girl would be attracted to me in that way. How do I know? Another thing is I’m currently being trained for my future profession at a small school where people like to talk and I don’t want anything to happen which could adversely affect my career. In other words I need to keep it on the down low. And like you, I absolutely don’t want my family to know. Unfortunately I’m not as brave as you are to try and meet random women online for sex. I just couldn’t do it. I just feel that I should have discovered this about myself a long time ago and that time is somehow running out. So what do you think? Am I totally screwed or what?


This is one of the main things I wanted to address when i got this note from you.  You know that I have looked for love in some wrong places ..it has worked for me ..I have been lucky lately too in being able to sense a vibe with a couple of women locally.   With the girl I met who was literally a cashier at Target, it was like sparks flying from the start ..I was noticing her, she was noticing me noticing her and looking at me "that way," and somehow and indescribably we opened door after door to one another til we made love, fell in love, and broke it shattering against the pavement of our lives.   I am at a loss to tell you exactly how that happened except to say that when i tell you I was looking for someone to open a door the day I took a chance on showing her my interest, I would tell you that in the past 4 - 5 years I am ALWAYS looking.   However, I asked the question you asked online to women and in forums as well and got much different answers.  If you google and  ask "where do I meet women ..how will i know," you are going to get alot of "gym locker room," and "join a volleyball league" stuff.  That all may work for you too.   It may come up in conversation with just the right person as well.   Being honest and setting yourself up for rejection may be part of the process.  I am trying to be of help ...but it probably is almost of no help if i reply honestly that its different for every woman, and I went Y E A R S between sexual experiences (and am in a "dry spell now as I write this) because so many possibilities online and in flirtation fell through.  Like I would get close to someone and she would give me every indication I should persue it, and Id get hot and think "this is gonna happen," and the next time she'd act like she didnt like me at all. It is just so different and YOU will find your way.  

Hi,

    I just wanted to write you and let you know how much your blogs have helped me. I have been following your sites for about nine months now. I began to question my sexuality seriously around then. I was sitting in class when a girl I had never seen before walked through the door and made me melt. I felt butterflies, anxious, and nervous. I could feel the heat rising on my skin as it crept up to my face. I had never felt anything like that before in my life. I had just been waiting for that special boy to come into my life, but he never did. I didn't understand why I never was boy crazy like the other girls. Sure, I thought they were cute, but that was all. This girl changed everything for me. I was completely mesmerized by her. I found your site when I was just trying to figure all these new feelings out. It can be very confusing to get the lovestruck preteen feelings in college. Your work helped me realize that I wasn't emotionally void of romantic feelings, but in fact attracted to women. As I read I became more sure of myself and more relieved. Your writings were so moving that I continued to read even after I became more comfortable with myself. You still help me today, but in more "grown up" ways shall we say haha. I find it to be the best erotica around. I love reading your perspective and you always put words together so seamlessly. The raw and tender emotions make me feel like I am living your fantasies and experiences. Sometimes it is like you are making love to me (I wish!). For someone who is a total newbie that can be extremely powerful. I always wish I had someone after reading your newest entries. Please continue to update; your site truly is one of a kind..

Just so you know ... your words truly moved me.  For whatever reason, the realization of our sexual selves, for most personality types, is at least partially suppressed.  I have been able in the last few years to let it out to myself, let it out to a few lovers (lucky me) and let it out, of course, on this blog. Whether it is clear on the blog or not, I can tell you that I write from a mixture of fantasy and experience.   I am sooooo in the closet in the small Virginia town I live in.  I am still married to a man who I have decided to stay with for now, even though everything I do with women is a blatant extra marital affair, complete with the sneakiness and all the stress that goes with that, I think whats best for my son, (for now) is to keep the family together.  I can tell that I am cracking a bit on this, as I was opening an account at a bank last week and answered a question to a virtual stranger, the girl opening my account, that I was "married ...we live under the same roof, but ...there's nothing happening there."   Couldn't believe myself for saying that outloud  ...and yet ...it was half motivated by attraction to the sweetheart in front of me.  

This stuff happens and because its inside of us we have to roll with it.  I am so moved by your carefully thought out letter.   I am sloooowwwly starting to believe in myself as a writer.  A letter like yours to start the day gives me a myriad of emotions and inspiration.  I thank you so very much.  I truly truly mean that. (yeah ..I'm gushing a bit LOL)  

 

I am a married woman in the south, married a long time but no kids, who has begun the process of accepting my lesbian side (not sure if I am bi or not) but I do need some advice.  

I am not prepared to leave my marriage, but want to be with a woman.  I can find interested women online but I am so worried about safe sex, since most of the women I meet online who are interested in a fling are not monogamous.

I think I must be the most selfish person on the planet, I want my cake and eat it too.

Thoughts? I can really use a friend with experience :)
 

First of all ...I know from both my own experience and the notes I get that sound alot like yours that I get since this blog went from a few hits a week to the more than 4000 a month it gets now...that you are not alone.

Since I started this blog I have gone from having made love with 3 women over the course of nearly a dozen years, to now having been with 8 women total and feeling like that is not nearly enough LOL.   I am accepting more each day that I am as a lover and a cuddler and a seducer, seducee, and perhaps someday as a partner ..that I am lesbian.  And yes, I am lesbian married to a man who does not know and what he does know he does not approve of.  So, in some things, we have alot in common.   A big difference for you is that you say dont have kids.

My day to day friends don't know and I can't tell the ones in my closest circle ...but where I have taken chances in flirtation and bolder comments  has been with those I consider acquaintances...seeming safe...and a couple of things seemed like amazing and meant to be "opportunities" that I felt confident and more confident about "going for."

Wow can we be more similar?....I thank you for your friendship - to help with replying maybe I can ask specific questions.

1.  Is there a specific site online you would suggest to meet women? (I am using Fling at the moment)
2. I suspect my husband would end our marriage if he found out, you mentioned your husband does not know but what he does he does not approve of - I didn't understand that.
3.  Safe sex, am I making a big deal about it?  with men I was totally uncompromising on this.
4.  I have not ever cheated on anyone I have been in a relationship with, so there is that tension about what I want to do. On one hand I see it as something different, that I cannot get in my marriage and do not think it will threaten it as I am not looking for a relationship with a woman - am I naive in thinking this? Once I have been with  a woman I am sure I will not be the same.

 As for advising what on earth to do, I can't ...and in fact, much of what I did would be considered if not physically dangerous, definitely risky in that I have now for many years put my family's well being at risk to have affairs ..and I would not ever advise that  as the right choice for anyone else.  Having said that ..I believe when I FINALLY am ready to begin the divorce process it will be a new life I suppose. 

1-Specific Site ?   No, I am a married woman in a small town ...and if you have to do this discreetly, probably the one you stumbled on is as good as any.    Listen, there is alot in the news about Craigs list, but for me in my little corner of the world, the most honest and sincere responses I got was from the blurb I put on Craigs list.  I met a woman that way and actually TURNED DOWN some possibilities that had much going for them but the chemistry wasn't right. I also met a woman from yahoo chat ..and another from aol chat ...so online has been cool and worked for me but risky.   ANYTHING you do, just don't take too many chances....meet publicly of course...never meet anyone without talking on phone first to make sure its not a guy etc.  

3-The safe sex question is this.   I cannot imagine a woman having something and not revealing it.  Nevermind that what we are doing is performing amateur exams upon one another ...I just cannot imagine if a woman knows, not revealing it.  The risk would be if she has something and doesn't yet know. 

2-4 --The comment about my husband and cheating go together.

Explaining my comment about my husband.  We have been married for 9 years now, but half of those have been pretty much me staying with him because of my now 8 year old son.   I havent love loved him for years...things have been said that can't be taken back.   When I more loved and trusted him, I was partially honest about lesbian experiences I had before I married him.  I wasnt completely honest about how intense and fulfilling these were ...but in general he knows I had that and for a few months we did that thing where we looked online as a couple for threesome partners because I THOUGHT (wrongly) that was the best way to handle the intensity of lesbian desire I was experiencing.  Basically, I can tell you that ...and I can't believe its been this long ago, that when I was pregnant and perhaps hormone aided or affected, I more realized I had been mostly lesbian in my desires since my teens...no matter my actions which were mainstream date men, get a husband, have a baby.   In bed, in fantasy, I have given up even calling myself bisexual ....I am pretty much gay and should have known when i was in my teens, but if that had happened, I wouldnt have my son.  So, all things for a reason.  SO ...when I say he doesn't know, I mean that I expend ALOT of energy and risk to our family by keeping this a secret ...  I am as close to a "double life" as you will ever know ..and truthfully, its now difficult to reconcile that. When I say "what he knows he doesnt like" it means that he knows I had lesbian experiences before him, desired them while I was with him and actively sought them (in threesomes) and now when we fight he uses that knowledge against me. He has accused me of having an affair more than a few times and has even said "I bet its not even a guy."  So ..its been ugly ...NO PITY though, I have long known my situation and chose my battles ....you must know the consequences if you go about it this way ..Dont say the girl from the blog suggested you go out and have affairs....it might go well, it might not.

Will having lesbian sex change everything ?   YES.  ...I think instinctively you already know this.  There are alot of "oh shit" firsts that in a lesbian experience...not just the first one but every one of them, that you already know about without having experienced them.  Obviously a first kiss , the first time your breasts meet hers sexually, the first time you feel her wetness and the ways she will touch you...and you will know the difference in softness and the melting of souls that women have together if ..IF you can climb in the bubble together.  When you feel a woman react to your touch ...sooooo different than with men ...knowing she's wet (not hard) for YOU ...and amazing things that feel good in both sexual but also spiritual ways. 

Can you do this on a "lets just have sex and not get involved" way ?   Yes and No.  I guarantee that unless you have a good "wall" that you can put up, that in making love you will feel love.  I have been with women who put up the wall and left some of their intensity and affection at home ..in sensing this it made for less of an experience in making love. I am someone who just gives myself sooooo completely in making love ...always been that way with men and women ...only way it feels right to me.  But, yes, I know for fact you can "do it' and not get involved ..and I also know that you can fall so in love, as I did, that the pain of ending it can be the darkest day, just like any relationship.  Depends on your own walls.  Mine were soft and I never loved anyone so much as the one I loved, and even though its been a year and a few months now since we stopped seeing each other, I wish often to open my email and see her write me to reunite. You may find someone as well with a powerful bedroom chemistry that because of your marital circumstance, you are unable to peruse in the other ways. 

Finally...you mention the "selfish" aspect.  I have said that about me for a long time.   We aren't the first women to seek affection outside of marriage, and especially when it is so compelling as what women are together within the reality of lesbian sex.  If you find someone you can be discreet with it I would say ...based on my experience...that you are never going to know how incredible making love with a woman can be until you go for it in some way...but I would also say that whle it will always be orgasmic F2F, it will be meaningful if you find someone you really care about.  Thats the next level .

I love answering your questions and getting to know you.   Write back and I will answer anything you want.  I love erotic honesty...and the truth is, honesty is a powerful aphrodesiac.

So ..thats the latest installment of question and answers. Love to know your comments . 

Read more »